You're home alone, you're horny as fuck and sick to death of swiping Tinder profiles of hambeasts, trannies and that creepy principal from school with the dermatitis-afflicted lips. Sure, you could launch into a vicious porn-hub inspired wank session or bust out the tainted fleshlight but we all know the hollow feeling of failure the moment that you bust that sad nut.
As the renowned historian Hans Gruber once stated;
"You miss a 100% of the nuts you don't bust"
I'm not sure what he meant by that but when in doubt - trust the Gruber folks.
Listen up dicklips, pick yourself up, climb out of the Sarlacc pit and hunt down an erotic massage palour.
"But how do I find one Wallace? - take me to the promised land!"
Locating an authentic erotic massage parlour can actually be tricky when you're new to the game as there's two places that look like they'd offer sensual massage but don't;
Many erotic massage parlous will market themselves as therapeutic massage to circumvent prostitution laws or to grab the non erotic clientele as well (I've been jerked off before as a house-wife in the cubicle next door has been chatting about the latest Downton Abby episode!) so you gotta look past the surface.
Here's a rough guide to picking the difference between a therapeutic massage practitioner and an erotic one (Please note that most of my reference and experience is dabbling in the US/Australia/Asia so what applies here might be vastly different from other parts of the world so if you get your genitals chopped off for following my advice in Saudi Arabia then...well...start a eunuch blog I guess!)
So here we go -
Allow me to re-introduce myself!
My name is Wallace and I've decided to inseminate this blog with my thoughts, tips and experiences on erotic and sensual massage. I love a good erotic massage and I'm hoping my preaching/rambling allows my readers to discover the joys of erotic massage. I'm new at this blogging contraption so forgive me if anything is broken (like that stupid . in the header that I can't seem to get rid of #$&@).
So what is erotic / sensual massage you whisper?
The scholars over at Wiki proclaim; "Erotic massage or sensuous massage is the use of massage techniques by a person on another person's erogenous zones to achieve or enhance their sexual excitation or arousal and to achieve orgasm"
A bit textbook for my liking (can't say I've ever begged someone to touch me in my "erogenous zones" !) but it pretty much nails it. A good erotic massage should both relax and excite and by the end of the massage you'll be begging for climax. Many people who give erotic massages make the mistake in thinking that it's all about the climax and disregard the climb, the destination is much more enjoyable if you flew first class people!
It can also go too far the other way (at least for me) as some practitioners believe the massage is more of a spiritual awakening but nothing is more erection-deflating for me than when a chick is burning potpourri, sprinkling Jesus tears on my penis and gushing "Oh Wallace! - I've connected with your inner garden gnome and we've achieved zen" - fuck zen - give me back my boner lady!
And yes, I'm sure there's many blogs out there on more practical topics like 8-Ball tying and gimp-mask construction but you'll thank me when you wind up in a seedy erotic massage parlor den, drunk at 3am and you think back on my advice and heed my cautions of "Do not choose the girl with the tuck-shop arms and breath that smells like teenage mutant ninja turtles".