August 2016 4

Erotic Massage Parlors Exposed. What's inside an erotic massage parlor?.

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Erotic Massage Parlors Exposed

 

Apologies for the slowness of this update my fellow reprobates, some boorish real world shenanigans dragged me from our favorite topics of lubricative massages, whispered propositions and gelatinous finishes. Last blog update I ranted on massage parlors / spas and the topics of preferred method of payment, what questions may get asked by the boss and how you can avoid being stuck with a masseuse who's obese, hideous or has a dick.

Now that you've navigated through that mundane massage protocol, my update today will be part of the massage parlors exposed series.

You find yourself in a small massage cubicle and you're wondering what the fuck do you do now. Here's how things should proceed you manchild;

The masseuse (or boss) will show you into the room and give you instructions which is normally done in two ways, one of them potentially green-lights "Operation Ejaculation" and the other dooms you to "Mission Clogged-Balls"

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Operation Ejaculation Briefing

Take off all of your clothes, lay down and the masseuse will be with you shortly"

This is a good start, being told to strip is your first step towards earning yourself at least a handjob. It's not a given though, you could still have strolled into therapeutic territory as it's very common for even a standard massage to require total nudity.


Mission Clogged-Balls Briefing

Take off your clothes but please leave your underwear on and lay down. Your sexual frustration will soon begin"

Things aren't looking good soldier, that clunge claymore you've been desperate to deploy for the whole week is probably going to have to be disarmed by hand at home. If the masseuse had any intention of giving you a dishonorable discharge then she wouldn't have put a fucking roadblock in front of your dick right? This has happened to me plenty of times and you just man the fuck up, enjoy the rub-down and awkwardly boner-shuffle the fuck out of the shop at the end.

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The masseuse will then leave the room and you'll have 5 or so minutes to get yourself ready for the massage. Before you start pulling on or off the gimp-mask, have a look around the room and you may notice some of the following;

    • The massage table: Most massage parlors or spas will have a standard massage table with the hole at the top to plug that horny face of yours. A proper massage table is always my preference as it shows that the shop is giving a shit (or pretending to) about the actual massage and they are generally pretty comfortable. The table also allows for the best massage as the girl has easy access to all parts of your body as she can swap sides and can get long flowing strokes going from standing up. Having your face buried in that awkward hole is good and bad. Good because it cuts you off from everything that is going on and leaves you to focus on just the massage which calms you and heightens your senses. You have no real idea of what's going on around you so every touch and sound is magnified which can make for a real erotic experience. I'm probably going to sound like a real fucking pussy here but for me, having your face/senses disconnected makes you feel very vulnerable and the girl has all the control, you just lay there and soak in the experience and hope she doesn't anally violate you.


      Two downsides to the table, the first is that your face often emerges from that little crevice looking bright fucking red. This makes it difficult to sneak in a sensual massage during lunch-time at work, it's tough to explain why you're returning from subway with a face redder than the head of a throbbing cock - blame it on the chilies I guess!. The second downside to the massage table is that if the massage parlor offers full service (sex) then smashing pissers with the girl is pretty awkward on a massage table. The last thing you want to do is topple off the table mid-thrust, dislocating your cock or ending up as a parlor paraplegic.

    • The massage Bed: Some parlors and spas choose to go with a mattress on the floor rather than the conventional massage table. Personally I'm not a fan, the mattress makes for an awkward massage experience as you sink down which makes it difficult for the masseuse to maintain pressure. She's forced to shuffle around you which moves your body and breaks that peaceful immersion. Your fat head is also facing the side or you're smothering yourself to death into the mattress - not very relaxing. Many massage joints in Thailand seem to favor the mattress (probably due to cost) but I just don't enjoy it as much as a standard table. The positives for the bed vs table is that any extras are much more enjoyable when you have the girl seated next to you on the mattress and any full service extras provided are simpler when you're not performing advanced sexual acrobatics whilst balancing on a table. I believe that the massage is the core element of the whole experience and the table trumps the mattress every time.

    • Generic Health Posters: Many erotic massage parlors cover the cubicle walls with pictures of the human body, pressure points of the feet, x-rays and other bullshit like that. It's pretty hilarious as really all they need is a huge picture of a cock as that's the only body-part that needs to be studied. I get why they do it, when that nosy cunt from the council turns up for an inspection - he see's this poster and thinks "Well they wouldn't have these type of posters up if anything untoward was happening here - they'd just have a huge picture of a cock?". The most hilarious moment for me was when my cubicle actually had a fucking fake skeleton in the corner of the room and when the girl asked me if I wanted hand relief, I pointed to the skeleton and said "Can he jerk me off?" He didn't and the achievement remains unlocked :(

 

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  • A Clock: Sounds pretty ordinary but something as simple as a clock causes the most disagreements, arguments and rushed/unfinished handjobs than anything else (besides money) in the realm of erotic massage. The session is timed of course and it's up to the masseuse to make sure that within this time, you are rubbed, kneaded, stretched, oiled, flipped over, propositioned, jerked off, wiped clean and changed during that booked time period. Many guys get pissed when they think that the girl has short-changed them on time and this can often lead to arguments. When the massage clock starts ticking is up for debate, is it when you hand over your money, when you lay down or when the girl first puts her hands on you? In reality the time between all of those events is minimal so there's no point in crying over that minuscule amount of time.


    So the massage starts and you're entitled to a ballpark 55-60 minute session but you've gotta keep in mind that if you're a first time client, the masseuse has no idea if you're wanting extras or what extras may tickle your toad. This means she has to allow a period of time at the end of the session to commence hand to gland combat and not all guys are going to want the same extras. A nude bodyslide request is going to take longer than the guy who just wants his witness badgered. Ejaculation control is another issue, some clients may cum the moment the masseuse even glances at there dick whereas others may be the Benjamin Button of getting off.


    Most guys are done with the massage the moment that the kraken is released as it's plain awkward continuing the rubdown with your cock burping up slimy protests. So I can see how clients can sometimes get short-changed BUT if you exit the massage and realise that there's virtually still nearly a full shot-clock (20+) worth of minutes then you have reason to raise hell. My advice is to look at the clock when you walk in and if you see there's time left at the end you can either bail, ask her to give you a head-rub or blacklist the parlor for being despicable time whores.

  • The cubicle walls: Always take note of the cubicle walls, are they thick, do the walls extend all the way to the roof and could you break them down if the masseuse turns out to be a tranny. These things are important as sound carries in the cubicles and thin walls with ceilings that don't reach the roof, often mean you can hear what's going on in the cubicle next to you. This can be risky if the parlor is erotic but posing as a therapeutic spa, if the church-going lady in the cubicle next door hears your masseuse furiously double clicking your mouse then she may run to the council and get the place shut down. So keep shit on the down low and don't screech when you blow your fucking loads. I gotta admit, I sometime look at the walls that don't reach the roof and ponder "If I saved up my loads for a year, could I get them over that wall and onto the face of the guy next door...ok ok, I know that makes me a sicko but does it make me gay? As the revered convict Red once stated "These walls are kind of funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them"

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  • The warning sign to degenerates / me: This is always my favorite part of a massage cubicle. Many of them have a poster stuck to the door or wall which states some universal warning of

    "This massage is strictly for relaxation and is of a therapeutic nature. Our massages are not intended for sexual gratification and any clients asking for sexual favors will be asked to leave. Please respect our staff and rules"



    This is to put the innocent clients minds at ease that this chaste massage is virtuous and not a single drop of manjam has been spilled in a massage session here. I would love to yell "Our massages are not intended for sexual gratification!!!" as I bust a nut and then tell the masseuse that I couldn't possibly pay for the handjob as that would disrespect her.

  • Oils and shit: The corner of the room will have some type of shelf or cupboard that has all the generic massage shit like oils, towels, tissues etc. Nothing much to see here but a big box of tissues is a good sign as your masseuse has to mop up your pitiful loads somehow. Some girls may ask you if you want to use scented oils or even tiger balm for sore muscles. Some guys may not want anyone to know that they are getting a massage as they could be married, in a relationship or be a magic the gathering player. These poor bastards have to tread carefully as coming home smelling like you rolled around in lavender for the last hour may raise some questions when you told the wife "just taking some rubbish to the tip my cherub!"

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That should wrap it up for today as I've rambled way to much as usual on the subject of massage parlors exposed, Next update we'll discuss the moment that the masseuse puts her greasy paws on you and what erotic adventures await.

Before I disappear, I'd like to give some shout-outs to some friends of this blog, please show them some love and check out there sites.

A top Aussie porn connoisseur by the name of Orsm who's been ejaculating quality porn posts longer than I can remember.

Mr Pink has a tremendous porn blog with some of the hottest girls. Hours of masturbation material here folks.


See more sexy videos here


 

Erotic Massage Parlor Tips – Part Two. Choosing your massage girl.

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Last update I guided you on what sort of questions you'll get asked when you walk into an erotic massage den.

Before we get to the critical masseuse selection process, you need to cough up some money! You'll nearly always pay for the massage up front unless you're a regular customer. You're just paying for the massage here, any extras you may procure are negotiated in the room and paid directly to the masseuse (in cash!). Generally a one hour standard oil / Thai / Swedish massage will set you back between $60-$80 but I wouldn't be paying anything more than that. Here's some tips on paying;

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  • Pay in Cash: Always pay for the massage in cash. Many places may not even accept cards and paying cash helps you out in a couple of areas. Firstly it shows that you do have cash on you, if you're paying for the massage by card then it indicates you likely don't have any cash on you. This sends a clear sign to the girl that you're either not after extras or can't afford them because if you did, you would have fucking paid in cash! This means the massage will unlikely to be erotic and you won't get her best service as she knows she's not getting a tip at the end. Secondly, some erotic massage addicts are married or in a relationship and the last thing you want is the wife/girlfriend/real-doll to find your credit card statement and see a charge for "Roxy's Rub-n-Tug Therapy". Pay cash you retard.

  • Flash some cash in your wallet: I don't mean you need to make it rain but it's not a bad thing if the massage staff see some extra cash in your wallet after you've paid for the massage. If she's giving the massage then she'll know you've got some money for extras and if she's not, there's a good chance she'll relay the information to the girl who will be shortly conjuring your precious duckbutter.

  • Only bring in as much money as you are prepared to spend: Many massage girls have mastered the art of parting massage punters with there cash, they do this by expertly draining the blood from your brain and transferring it to the head of your penis. We are then helpless to there sordid sexual advances. I have worked an ingenious system of getting around this, I simply choose to leave the blood in my penis and never transfer it back to my brain! In all seriousness, my system is to only bring in enough cash to pay for what I'm comfortable with. This way I never leave thinking "great, looks like I'll be eating mayonnaise sandwiches until payday". You can always re-visit the place if there's some budget-decapitating extras that you gotta sample.


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We now need to get you into a room with the hottest massage girl on the roster as nobody likes getting rubbed down by the dreaded fat masseuse Debbie Diabeetus. If I spot any of the following traits or impairments then there's a good chance I'm either walking out, objecting or cursing my fucking luck;

  • The masseuse looks like she's old enough to have experienced world war I, II or fucking both.
  • She's so fat that you catch an instant and deadly dose of Hamthrax from being in her gravitational pull.
  • Gives off a strong moodiness/menstrual vibe.
  • Chews gum - sorry this is a personal hate of mine. I find that any masseuse who chews gum at work is an annoying piece of shit like anyone who wears a Bluetooth earpiece.
  • Her ugliness banishes any erection I hoped to have for the next 12.5 years.
  • She's got a dick.

 

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Now that you've informed the staff that you've been there before and how long you'd like to get massaged for, they will likely assign you a masseuse in the following ways;

    1. If a staff member served you and she wasn't the boss: Then there’s a good chance she will be giving you the massage. The fact she’s out front indicates she’s not with a client so she’s likely to get assigned the next client in – which is you.


      What to do: This is a pretty good outcome as you've already interacted with your masseuse so I trust you've been checking out her curves, attitude and whether or not you'd have any objections to her being entitled to your leave loading (that joke sounded good in my head I swear). If the girl isn't attractive or you're not getting a good vibe then you can simple ask "Do you have any other girls available?". Now this type of question is perfectly valid in an erotic massage parlor as we're getting down and dirty with a girl but it's a little more delicate if the massage parlor is strictly therapeutic. If it's therapeutic then they are going to wonder (even ask) what a girls appearance has anything to do with her massage skills? so tread carefully here boys. My advice is not to ask this question unless your a 100% sure that extras are on offer at this particular establishment. If you're unsure then bite that fucking pillow, take the assigned masseuse and jerk off to this website when you get home you pathetic bastard.

    2. If the boss/manager served you: You'll be shown to your massage cubicle, given instructions on what to do and told to wait for your masseuse.


      What to do: You're likely stuck with whatever girl is assigned to you so hopefully it's someone hot. It's tough to ask to change girls when you're already naked, on the massage table and you're twisting around trying to see who's about to pound on that flabby flesh of yours. The only time I would recommend declining the masseuse sent is if it's a fucking dude. It's happened to me before and fuck that shit - send that dude packing...ok...bad use of words.

    3. You've been here before and have previously sprayed loads or know that the place is a 100% erotic.


      What to do: If you've visited before or know of other guys who have got an erotic massage here, you can ask for a girl by name or simply ask "Can I see who's working today?. They know you're here to get off and so choosing the right girl is good for both you and her as you'll part with some penis-paste and she'll part you with your cash. If there's no girls to your liking then simply say "Maybe not today" or "Sorry I didn't realise I had landed on the Island of Dr Moreau" and walk the fuck out. There's plenty of hot massage girls around so don't fucking settle please. I see countless reviews of massage parlors that have previously been badly rated with comments like;


      "Avoid this place - I was jerked off by Mother Teresa's doppelganger"


      "Girls were 70% troglodyte - worst $150 I have spent"

 

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Don't be one of these guys, if you have an opportunity to walk away from a swamp-beast then fucking do it please. There's nothing worse than getting jerked off by someone who's bragging to you that they used to smear feces on punji-traps to infect GI's in the Vietnam War. Save your loads soldier!

Ok I've probably rambled enough so we'll sign off here and next update we'll discuss what to do when you're in the cubicle and the sensual massage is about to begin - about fucking time right?

Happy Endings.

 

 

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Wonderful day to have a pleasant massage session. Enjoy this glorious babe lying on a table and getting a professional massage. Suddenly, her masseur is getting horny and starting to kiss her. She gives him a smoking-hot blowjob after he licks her pussy. It all finishes up with a session of hard banging and a delicious creampie inside

 

 

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