August 2016 4

Apologies for the slowness of this update my fellow reprobates, some boorish real world shenanigans dragged me from our favorite topics of lubricative massages, whispered propositions and gelatinous finishes. Last blog update I ranted on massage parlors / spas and the topics of preferred method of payment, what questions may get asked by the boss and how you can avoid being stuck with a masseuse who's obese, hideous or has a dick.

Now that you've navigated through that mundane massage protocol, you find yourself in a small massage cubicle and you're wondering what the fuck do you do now. Here's how things should proceed you manchild;

The masseuse (or boss) will show you into the room and give you instructions which is normally done in two ways, one of them potentially green-lights "Operation Ejaculation" and the other dooms you to "Mission Clogged-Balls"

Operation Ejaculation Briefing

Take off all of your clothes, lay down and the masseuse will be with you shortly"

This is a good start, being told to strip is your first step towards earning yourself at least a handjob. It's not a given though, you could still have strolled into therapeutic territory as it's very common for even a standard massage to require total nudity.


Mission Clogged-Balls Briefing

Take off your clothes but please leave your underwear on and lay down. Your sexual frustration will soon begin"

Things aren't looking good soldier, that clunge claymore you've been desperate to deploy for the whole week is probably going to have to be disarmed by hand at home. If the masseuse had any intention of giving you a dishonorable discharge then she wouldn't have put a fucking roadblock in front of your dick right? This has happened to me plenty of times and you just man the fuck up, enjoy the rub-down and awkwardly boner-shuffle the fuck out of the shop at the end.

The masseuse will then leave the room and you'll have 5 or so minutes to get yourself ready for the massage. Before you start pulling on or off the gimp-mask, have a look around the room and you may notice some of the following;

• The massage table: Most massage parlors or spas will have a standard massage table with the hole at the top to plug that horny face of yours. A proper massage table is always my preference as it shows that the shop is giving a shit (or pretending to) about the actual massage and they are generally pretty comfortable. The table also allows for the best massage as the girl has easy access to all parts of your body as she can swap sides and can get long flowing strokes going from standing up. Having your face buried in that awkward hole is good and bad. Good because it cuts you off from everything that is going on and leaves you to focus on just the massage which calms you and heightens your senses. You have no real idea of what's going on around you so every touch and sound is magnified which can make for a real erotic experience. I'm probably going to sound like a real fucking pussy here but for me, having your face/senses disconnected makes you feel very vulnerable and the girl has all the control, you just lay there and soak in the experience and hope she doesn't anally violate you.
  
  
  Two downsides to the table, the first is that your face often emerges from that little crevice looking bright fucking red. This makes it difficult to sneak in a sensual massage during lunch-time at work, it's tough to explain why you're returning from subway with a face redder than the head of a throbbing cock - blame it on the chilies I guess!. The second downside to the massage table is that if the massage parlor offers full service (sex) then smashing pissers with the girl is pretty awkward on a massage table. The last thing you want to do is topple off the table mid-thrust, dislocating your cock or ending up as a parlor paraplegic.
  
  
• The massage Bed: Some parlors and spas choose to go with a mattress on the floor rather than the conventional massage table. Personally I'm not a fan, the mattress makes for an awkward massage experience as you sink down which makes it difficult for the masseuse to maintain pressure. She's forced to shuffle around you which moves your body and breaks that peaceful immersion. Your fat head is also facing the side or you're smothering yourself to death into the mattress - not very relaxing. Many massage joints in Thailand seem to favor the mattress (probably due to cost) but I just don't enjoy it as much as a standard table. The positives for the bed vs table is that any extras are much more enjoyable when you have the girl seated next to you on the mattress and any full service extras provided are simpler when you're not performing advanced sexual acrobatics whilst balancing on a table. I believe that the massage is the core element of the whole experience and the table trumps the mattress every time.
  
  
• Generic Health Posters: Many erotic massage parlors cover the cubicle walls with pictures of the human body, pressure points of the feet, x-rays and other bullshit like that. It's pretty hilarious as really all they need is a huge picture of a cock as that's the only body-part that needs to be studied. I get why they do it, when that nosy cunt from the council turns up for an inspection - he see's this poster and thinks "Well they wouldn't have these type of posters up if anything untoward was happening here - they'd just have a huge picture of a cock?". The most hilarious moment for me was when my cubicle actually had a fucking fake skeleton in the corner of the room and when the girl asked me if I wanted hand relief, I pointed to the skeleton and said "Can he jerk me off?" He didn't and the achievement remains unlocked :(
  
  

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