September 2016 2
Receiving an erotic massage part 1. Heads down bums up.
Edit: I'm not dead or incarcerated, just been busy setting up a new business. More lewd massage updates soon you troglodytes!
So we've got all the pre-massage formalities out of the way and you are now laying down on the table waiting for the sensual massage to start. This update we're going to discuss the first phase of the erotic massage which is the face-down stage.
The masseuse will often start with dry massage (often by pressing your lard through a towel) to loosen up all your muscles before reaching for the trusty oil. She'll either then totally remove the towel from the equation (good sign), cover your ass with the towel (pretty standard even for an erotic massage) or really tuck it in like you're sleeping child which means the chances of extras just nosedived. Your masseuse should start by applying the oil to pre-warmed hands (it's poor form to be laying ice-cold whitewalker hands on you!) and spreading it across your back. Most masseuses will start with the upper back region but will spread a thin layer of oil over your entire body. This is a key indicator of whether or not extras are on the cards. If the girl spreads the oil and her hands linger or probe your ass/balls area then it's an early sign that she's feeling you out for extras.
I often do wonder what the strange guys only looking for therapeutic massages say when this type of thing happens, do they just keep silent and wonder what the fuck is going on or do they protest and cry "unhand me woman! I will not tolerate this uncouth behavior, have you no manners you soiled dove!". If the girl does linger in a sensitive area, you're welcome to spread your legs a little wider or give an approving sound like "mmm mmm" or "these are not the droids you are looking for!" to show the girl that the attention is appreciated, personally I keep quiet as the not knowing where this will lead is all part of the experience for me.
The masseuse should start with your shoulders and upper back and really work any knots and tense muscles that she comes across. Ideally she should have long and flowing strokes with at least one hand on your body at all times. Symmetry is very critical in a massage so she wants to mirror her strokes on both sides of your body. I can normally tell within 5 minutes if a masseuse knows what she's doing, if she's a rookie or that she doesn't give a fuck about the quality of the massage. If the pressure is too hard to too soft then feel free to give her feedback as your paying for this shit so you want to enjoy it! As I mentioned in the "How to get a massage happy ending?" post, don't lay there like a fucking corpse, try chatting with the girl and building up a connection. An hour is a long time to be trapped in a cubicle together and the girls are often bored out of there minds so if you can make them relax or laugh then it'll improve your chances of scoring some spicy extras. That being said, if you're an awkward bastard and can only communicate via dank memes then don't force a conversation, trust me, she doesn't want to hear about your my little pony collection.
After working on your neck and shoulders, her hands should now drift to your lower back and start stroking and caressing your ass. You'd be surprised how many knots and tender points are in your butt realm so it feels fantastic to have a girl run her oily hands up and down this region. A good erotic masseuse will use this opportunity to subtly slide a finger down your ass crack and tease your anus and balls with a quick oily stroke. It's super hot when the girl doesn't linger in this area and instead teases you with the odd wicked grope which leaves your mind racing with the thought "is this chick going to get me off at the end?". Often the girl will climb onto the table, sit herself on your ass and massage your back as this positions allows her to really put her strength into the action. Following this, the masseuse will then move to massaging your legs and it's generally at this stage of the massage that you'll find out if a happy ending could be on the cards.
The leg portion massage should start with those feminine calves of yours and she'll then cover your upper legs and inner thighs with warm oil. Her strokes will sweep along your inner thighs before subtly running along your balls and teasing your anus. Odds are she'll spread your legs apart so she can gain full access to the organs that control the opening and closing of your wallet. A profcient erotic masseuse will raise your legs to the side so your knee is level with your hips, this gives her a perfect view of your genitals and she can prod, stroke and dislocate until you're squirming with pleasure. Once the leg massage is done, she'll either leave to get the dreaded hot towel (more on this later) or she'll lightly run her finger tips around your ass and balls and may even reach under and slowly stroke your oily cock. It's pretty much a given now that you'll be getting a happy ending.
Next update we'll detail what happens when the masseuse tells you to flip over and that's where the real fun begins. Apologies for the small/lame update, the hard-drive crash had more critical data than I had initially thought so it's been a battle to get everything back up and running.
Happy Endings Fellas
Do I ask for a hard or soft erotic massage?. What massage pressure should I ask for?.
This update is once again being ejaculated later than intended but I do have an excuse besides being a slothful fuck. The ol' hard-drive in my computer started making a ticking noise and we all know that is the equivalent of attempting to squeeze out a subtle fart in a public place and hearing the unmistakable gurgling sounds of a turd evacuating your anus - ye fucked laddie. Thankfully it wasn't my boot drive (SSD Master-Race over here) but I lost an ungodly amount of porn so I think we should share a moments silence for the demise of my revered masturbationary stash.
Thankfully I'm about to populate this post with a shit-tonne of nudity but first I have to remember where we were in our saintly quest for a happy ending. Ahhh, yes, last update I outlined what oddities, contraptions and sexual speed-traps you may discover in an erotic massage parlors cubicles. Now that we've got that fluff out of the way and you've been given instructions to strip by the masseuse and gotten your bearings, you'll need to follow this guide on being on the receiving end of an erotic massage;
- Strip the fuck off: As we mentioned in the previous update, take off EVERYTHING unless you were instructed to leave your underwear on. Most parlors will have either some hangers or a crate to hang/store your clothes. Be sure to use these, nothing would kill the happy ending more than the masseuse glancing up and spotting your skid-stained jocks hanging from the ceiling fan like a trophy of virginity. Keep your wallet / watch / diamond encrusted cock-ring in a safe spot where they won't be easily pilfered, I've never had an theft issue in a parlor but it's smart to keep valuables tucked away.
- Turn off your mobile phone: Nobody wants to be drifting into a blissful, massage induced, zen-like state only to be torn out by your phones "who let the dogs out" retarded ring-tone blaring!
- Spread 'em: Clamber up onto the massage bed and lay face down with your face plugged into that annoying hole in the table. Every massage starts with you on your stomach so please don't try and innovate by facing up as it'll probably just freak the masseuse out. You want to have your arms at your side with your palms facing up or alternatively you can rest your arms at the top of the table. Spread your legs wide apart so the masseuse has easy access to your floppy drive.
Your legs should be as wide apart as possible without falling off the side of the table. This sends a clear message to the masseuse that you're not shy and are probably up for some extras. If you've lucked out and the massage is of the therapeutic variety then there's no harm done as the masseuse has seen plenty of naked dudes and she'll just cover you with a towel and try not to smirk at your micro-penis. Speaking of our trusty penis, you want to position him so he gets the maximum amount of enjoyment from the erotic massage. You achieve this by positioning your cock so it's pointing down towards your legs. This way, when the massage turns sensual, the masseuse has a convenient way to stroke your cyclops. This is much better then your dick being awkwardly trapped under your stomach as the girl strokes your balls. Once again, if the girl walks in and your laying there with your legs spread and your dick clearly visible, it pretty much screams "I'm here to launch loads" and "I'm not a cop".
You're now just going to relax and wait for the masseuse to enter the room. When she does she'll likely ask you the following question;
Do you want a soft, medium or hard massage?"
This is purely personal preference but I tend to rep the hard-clan, here's a basic run-down of our three massage pressure options;
- Soft: You're pretty much admitted to being a pussy here but each to there own!. The masseuse will give you a light / feathery massage but won't apply much pressure in case she bruises that dainty flesh of yours. A Soft massage pressure personally drive me nuts, they don't press deep enough to relieve any muscle soreness and don't provide that full body relaxed feeling that follows a good massage. Full Muay Thai rules (knees and elbows) are definitely off limits here and the masseuse will likely just use her hands. This massage is good if you're really just chasing extras, you suffer from Hemophilia or you have a mangina.
- Medium: The masseuse will make sure your muscles are kneaded and prodded but she likely won't use knees, elbows or a jack-hammer. This is the most commonly requested pressure and a good starting point if you're new to massage. Your sore muscles will get some nice relief and you'll feel much better the next day, you can always tell her to tone it down if she's bruising your neck meat. I generally request medium if it's my first time with a masseuse. if she's shitty at massage then you don't want her putting in a 100% effort as you'll probably be more sore than relaxed the next day and that shit aint ideal.
- Hard: You're masseuse is going to knee you, elbow you, possibly walk on you and do everything in her power to ensure that all those muscles and knots are worked over. Nothing beats a good hard massage as the next day you feel fantastic and it's not just because you blew a load in the girls mouth after the massage (tho that does help!). The one downside to requesting a hard massage is that it may make the girl question "Is this guy here to just get a hard/sports massage or does he want to see my gaza-strip?" so hopefully the girl understand that a guy can enjoy a good quality massage whilst also wanting to get his balls uncorked. If the massage is hurting or the pressures too much then speak the fuck up and tell the girl "that's a little too hard sorry" or "You're bruising me, I said hard not Rihanna".
A massage is very much like a steak and it's totally up to the individual, stick with the medium if you're new or haven't seen the girl before, hard (rare) if you have any muscle definition at all and soft (well done) if you're a wimp.
That's all for today ladies, I know this update was snack sized but we're closing in on the actual erotic massage and what type of extras will be offered so until then...
Happy Endings
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