Welcome back my fellow erotic massage addicts. I trust that you've been following my sordid advice and have launched your own debaucherous quests to get your cock purged at your local erotic massage parlor.
Last update we examined the topic of the massage "flip-over" which is a true boner barometer and one of the most exciting parts of the (hopefully) erotic massage. One thing I forgot to mention is that not all massages will even have a flip-over. That's right boys, some deplorable masseuses will spend the entire time massaging your fucking back region and won't even give you the opportunity to flip over which leads to a chronic case of testicular trauma - feelsbadman.
We'll go ahead and pretend that you're masseuse isn't inhumane and she's flipped you over and she's either covered or not covered you're potent erection (see last update for towel protocol). Now we slide onto the delightful topic of "will massage extras be offered?"
An experienced erotic masseuse will continue the massage post flip-over as usual and after oiling up your legs, she'll smoothly run her hands up your thighs and deviate from touching your cock at the very last moment but not before lightly stroking your balls or the bottom of your shaft. She'll move her oily hands to your inner thighs and rub from bottom to top in short and sharp motions and slowly creep it up until your squirming around trying to get her to touch your engorged balls.
A true massage technician won't give in and will leave you hanging but give your balls enough attention that you're writhing in anticipation more than frustration. Some girls will even oil up your balls and rub away at them like they are shining up an apple, they'll of course say nothing and pretend this is standard massage procedure but if your balls are in a girls hands then it's a pretty fucking good chance that you'll be releasing a liquid sasquatch soon. You'll find the masseuse often raises your knees to the side like you're giving fucking birth as this allows her easy and "accidental" stroking of your balls and anus area which always feels awesome.
Next will be your stomach and chest area, the masseuse will position herself above your head and rub downwards, first stroking your manboobs before stopping just short of your basilisk. This also allows her to position her boobs directly over your head so every time she strokes downwards, not only are you squirming in anticipation but you're also getting an eyeful of her hopefully enormous boobs - love this shit! I generally let the girl dictate where the massage goes as the anticipation of not knowing where the session is leading is a key of the thrill of a visit to a massage parlor.
Some guys/customers may choose to give the girl instructions or pointers like moaning when she touches your balls or simply saying something like "that feels good" or "the dude abides" when she prods a sensitive zone but that's up to you boys, you can enjoy the ride or steer it in the direction you want.
Now that you're really and truly oiled, relaxed and aroused we come to the subject of "asking for massage extras and a happy ending". Following the last part of the standard massage, your masseuse will saunter to the side of your body and do one of three things;
• Cops: In many countries like the USA, they've deemed paying a professional to jerk you off as illegal and a downright sin. Don't even get me started on this topic as it always makes me fucking rage. They always interview the neighbours of the massage parlors and a 100% of the time they reel off some bullshit like "we don't like the type of people that these establishments attract!".
WHAT TYPE OF FUCKING PEOPLE! - do they really think that the only people who opt for a happy ending at the end of their massage are murderers, rapists, child molesters and stormtroopers. Hate to break it to you folks but the guys launching loads in those cubicles are your neighbours, your teachers or your dads. So rather than make all this shit legal where they could better police it and stamp out human trafficking (as that's the number one reason/excuse that the cops use for busting a parlor or spa) they force it all underground and make getting jerked off a giant pain in the anus.
Police officers will routinely pose as customers and bust a girl if she propositions them for any massage extras so the girls are naturally wary and will wait for the customer to ask the question. Thankfully this isn't a problem in all countries but it must suck living in a place where asking for a handjob can result in you getting locked up and given an unhappy ending by your cellmate. I guess if you're like me and built like a 12 year old kid then the masseuse doesn't need to worry about your cop status! So all you chiselled and dashingly handsome types - sucks to be you officer blueballs!
• She's shy: Not every masseuse is a veteran that has swallowed more loads than one direction or goes home to read the handjob-handbook. She might be new on the job, she might be a backpacker doing this for some holiday money or she might just not be confident enough to say "I love the smell of sperm in the morning". I've been jerked off by plenty of shy girls who confided that they never ask and leave it upto the customer to ask for extras. New staff can be unsure if a client wants massage extras so rather than run the risk of offending some weirdo who stockpiles his sperm, she'll stay quiet until the client asks if a happy finale can be arranged. Just remember troops, if you ask and she says no, leave it at that and don't press the issue or pester her.
• You're a first time customer: Some girls make a habit of not offering massage extras to first time customers. This way they can see what vibe they get off the guy (or evaluate if he's a cop) and next session they'll hit you up for extras. They'll often make the actual session very arousing with plenty of teasing, stroking of your balls etc so you're hanging out for more and will finish the session with a tantalising "next massage" will be even better etc so they've got you on the hook. I once had a first time session where the girl was hot as fuck but besides the odd lingering touch, she offered no extras and I went home a bit perplexed as I had heard rumours that she was open to taking a load off. So I re-booked a week later and within 15 minutes we were in a 69 position and I was trying (failing) to hold off blowing a load in her mouth - where the fuck was that shit last week!?
• Extras aren't available: See point 3
Next update we'll discuss what's on the massage extras menu and help you navigate all of the delicacies on offer.
I've decided to increase the font on the website - if it looks fucking trash then ping me an email and I'll revert it back to whatever peasant font I was rocking previously.
A quick shout-out to my boy Chris over @ The Erotixx blog - be sure to check it out as he has a tonne of pictures of nude chicks. Also check out FappyBird who has heaps of porn videos for your masturbation compulsions.
Happy Endings Boys!
First off, big fat apology for the massive gap between posts. I finally got my shit together and started my own home business (and no it's not an erotic massage den you perverts) so I've been busy slicing through red-rape, getting my office sorted and rejoicing at not having colleagues dismissing my demands to bring back "hubba hubba" as a way to compliment a hot chick. Thankfully my massage urges weren't drowned by all that real-world nonsense and I've actually recently experienced some pretty wild shit when visiting massage parlors so I'll be sure to share in future updates. Before we go there, we need to further educate you on what you can expect when being on the receiving end of an erotic massage. Last update we discussed the face-down aspect of the massage but now it's time to flip the fuck over and show this chick that meager example of manhood that you're microscopin'
"Would you like to turn over?"
Fuck I love those words and you can carve that shit on my gravestone, right next to my gym mantra of "Fuck Lunges". This is where we find out if you're on track for some juicy extras or it's a bog standard massage so heed my words here fellas.
The girls actions when flipping over is a very good indicator of what's to come. When you flip she's well aware that your throbbing erection (you better be hard or all my yoda-like lessons have been for naught) is going to be in full view so her attempts at covering your cock is going to go a few ways;
Either way, your flipped over and your heading to the "Extras Zone". My pet hate is being propositioned for extras the moment you turn-over and this is actually annoyingly common (I find Korean chicks often pull this lame maneuver). I'm of the opinion that the entire erotic massage is a slow buildup to orgasm and getting asked the moment you flip over if you wanna get off just kills that facade for me. Here's why it fucking sucks;
How you deal with that question is entirely up to you, maybe she's worked you up the point where if you don't get off soon, whatever gets ejaculated might be against the Geneva convention. Or perhaps you are like me and hate that shit but you'll no doubt face it at some point.
We'll deal with the actual extras proposition next update - time to get that happy ending!
Be sure to check out Boobday over at the fantastic "A Dissolute Life Means" blog
Logan Long wakes up Christmas morning in bed with sexy girlfriend Gina Valentina. She suspects that Santa came early this year, and Logan follows her into the living room to inspect. Something is waiting in there. It's an air mattress, and Gia wants to use it to give him a full contact NURU Gel massage! It's clear that Logan's excited, judging by the footlong sprouting from his torso. The tiny tattooed brunette pulls off her pajama bra and panties, while Logan lies down on the mat. She pulls her hair back so it's out of the way of the gel she's lubing him up with. Once she's covered herself in the translucent goo, she straddles Logan on the mat and begins to slide her naked body up and down, making friction with his swollen slippery cock. Beholding the little gumdrop nipples on her titties, Logan can't get over how beautiful she looks with his cock all the way in her mouth. Slow and steady she takes all of his big dick in her pussy. She thrusts her weight to fuck him harder. And with the assistance of the sticky wet gel, her movements effectively bring her to a shuddering orgasm. He flips her over and pummels her from on top, but her juicy quim is so tight, it sucks him like a vacuum till he creampies, cumming hard inside her chimney chute, spilling his love juice until her cup runneth over.