Asian Massage Parlor Review
Mission Objective: Find a masseuse who could jerk out my final 2018 load.
Target: Local Asian Massage Parlor
Potential Threats: Early closures due to New Years Eve, Crazy traffic, Drunk masseuses
I found myself bored and horny on New Years Eve and figured an erotic massage would tick all the boxes. I had a couple of hours to spare before I had to start punishing my liver so I figured, why not coat the hands or tonsils of a hot asian masseuse with my creamy new years resolution? Fired off a few texts to some private massage girls I regularly see but they either didn’t reply or indicated that they were busy getting ready for the evening’s festivities which I couldn’t blame them for.
This meant I needed a backup plan and would have to try a new girl which was both exciting and risky as it would suck to get a dud right before a night of partying, I’d have to be choosy! I had spotted a number of new AMP’s (Asian Massage Parlor) that had opened up in a nearby suburb and figured I’d give them a try and see if we could find an erotic massage. Now I wasn’t sure that a sensual massage or extras were on offer but I knew I was in with a chance at one as some retard had posted the following Google review;
“Nice girl Yumi, works at reception and does massage, attractive girl, good extras”
Guys, don’t post dumb shit like this. You may think you’re doing your fellow massage addicts or even the girls a favor by letting us know that a happy ending is on offer. All you’re really doing is notifying the local council, police or community prudes that more than a massage is going on. This could result in the shop being investigated, raided or even closed down. None of us get any extras if the girls are out of work because the shop got shut-down so please, shut the fuck up and keep extras on the down-low. Erotic Massage Parlor reviews should not be left for public consumption!
I pulled up out front and the shop was facing a busy street which is never ideal. Whilst it didn’t look seedy like some of the asian massage parlor’s do, it definitely had the look of a shop where more than a massage could take place. How could I tell?, well, after years of visiting erotic massage parlors, I can usually detect if more than a massage might be on offer. This shop displayed many of the indicators of a happy ending venue such as neon lighting and late operating hours.
Many of the asian massage parlor’s have a rear entrance so if you are concerned about the wife, colleagues or the Illuminati seeing you enter then call ahead and ask if they have a rear entrance (I’m going to avoid this joke completely). I’m single so I didn’t give a fuck about being seen and walked into the reception area and looked around. I couldn’t see any staff but the shop was clean (good), dim (better) and just didn’t have that therapeutic spa feel that always results in blue balls.
Now, I had made a promise to myself, I was going to decline and walk out of any venue that was staffed by anyone older than me (I’m in my mid 30’s for reference). Far too many asian massage parlor’s nowadays are filled with masseuses so old that someone should declare “Welcome to Jurassic Park!” as you walk in. If massage addicts like myself stopped paying these golden girls for massages/extras then they’d soon cotton on that the hiring of younger masseuses with smoother skin, firmer breasts and teeth that stay-in would lead to better business. Thankfully where I’m from, many of the staff are drawn from the student / backpacker population so it’s not hard to find an attractive under 25 masseuse if you look.
As I went to ring the bell, a stunningly cute Asian girl with a huge smile and wearing overalls came bounding from the back and gave me a cheery hello. Having seen the overalls, I knew extras were likely on the cards as any establishment that let’s their staff dress casually isn’t one that demands professionalism and strict rules. Personally I think it’s smart business to have your girls dress in uniforms as it makes the place seem legit. If a cop or housewife walks in and she sees the masseuse wearing a tight dress or heels (not even kidding, I’ve had massages from girls wearing heels) then right away suspicion is going to creep in – but hey, it’s not my business.
“Can I get a one hour massage please” I asked
“Ohhh! I’m so sorry, we are closing early today!”
“Totally understand and all good, have a great New Years”
“You too! Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you a very good massage ok”
I chuckled and told her I would but I knew the only extras I’d be getting tomorrow would be a hangover induced migraine. Marking her down for a return visit (she was hot! and will make a great entry to my erotic massage parlor reviews), I exited the building and made my way over to the next asian massage parlor which was crazily enough on the very same road. Now I made a mistake here, I should have checked Google reviews here as this always helps your hunt in a couple of ways;
- If there’s tonnes of reviews from women then there’s a very good chance that no extras are on offer. Women and housewives tend to frequent the more cleaner establishment so if you see a review from Maude saying “The pregnancy massages are simply divine!” then stay clear.
- Many guys will leave subtle clues in their review with comments such as “Great FULL body massage”, “Massage left me feeling relaxed and relieved” or “masseuse always goes the extra mile”. These type of reviews are fine to me, they’ll fly over the heads of most people but a true pervert like me will understand.
- If the place has a tonne of 1-2 star reviews then it’s probably going to suck at both the massage and extras. A one star review obviously means nobody is leaving happy and the odds you’ll walk out with a smile on your face are slim to fucking shady.
You’re probably thinking “C’mon my dude, no asian massage parlor with 1 star reviews would still be in business!”
Wrong – I swear on my dads fleshlight that unbeknownst to me, the second asian massage parlor I visited had a 1 fucking star rating with 20+ glorious reviews such as these;
“This Chineses massage women at this asian massage parlor tried very hard to solicit me to buy illicit services and got full blown berserk and insulting when I told her no”
“God awful service and disgusting attitude”
“This massage shop is undoubtedly a SCAM. The masseuses pictured online look nothing like the staff”
Totally unaware of this, I walk inside to find a really crammed shop and again no staff in view. I ring the bell and patiently wait, a minute goes by and I ring again whilst mentally telling myself that I’ll leave if no further response. Just as I’m about to bail, an overweight mid 50’s looking Chinese lady comes barreling down the asian massage parlor stairs huffing and puffing and demands in a clearly annoyed voice;
“What do you want?”
Off to a good start here!, she didn’t even open with the usual “How may I help you?” or “would you like a massage sir” – what the fuck does she think I want? I had been determined to stick to my rule of not accepting a massage from anyone with menopause and she was making my decision much easier. Now I still managed to be polite and didn’t just walk out and I feigned interest and said;
“Sorry can I errr just grab a business card, are you open tomorrow on the public holiday?”
“You interrupt to ask for business card? I have stop massage to serve you” she snarled
Jesus christ lady, don’t blame me because you don’t have any other fucking staff! I just smiled, thanked her and walked out and wondered who the poor bastard was getting massaged by Mamasan Diabetus. After later reading the reviews it all made sense and thank fuck I was wise enough to walk out of this asian massage parlor.
Now I was down to the final asian massage parlor which was off a side-road to the first two Asian massage parlors. I always find that baffling, why setup business a couple of blocks down from another AMP when we have tonnes of suburbs without one? I guess 1 star Lo-Pan doesn’t amount to much competition but it just means guys can be choosy when they only have to drive a street to checkout who has the hottest happy enders. This final massage parlor was quite discrete as it occupied an office in a building predominately dedicated to medical practitioners such as dentists, opticians and those doctors who have foot fetishes. If I didn’t score here then my mission to evacuate my balls at an asian massage parlor was going to be an utter failure.
I walked into find a small reception desk and a long hallway leading off to a large number of massage cubicles. The lighting was pretty dim and once again I couldn’t see any staff but hey it’s New Years and many of the girls were probably on leave. Before I could ring the bell, an attractive asian girl appeared at the end of the hallway and walked up smiling after she spied me lurking at reception. She was pretty tall for an Asian girl and was wearing a tight shirt clearly showing a good set of tits and an equally tight pair of pants, she looked more classy than skanky which I liked. She asked if I’d like a massage and I told her I did and would like one hour, she told me it was $70 and took me to a small but clean room and told me to get unchanged. Before she left she asked me one of the most common erotic massage questions;
“Have you been here before?”
This is nearly always a test question as she’s really asking “Do you know we provide sexual services here?” as you likely would have got propositioned / milked on your previous visits. If you say no (which often will be the truth and was for me) then she’s going to be unsure on whether you want extras and she may hold back on the erotic elements of the massage until she’s sure. By saying no you also give an indicator that you don’t know the pricing structure and she may try to squeeze more out of your newbie wallet.
The smartest answer and what I gave her is “Yes but not for awhile”, this tells her that you probably know what’s going on but if she prods you on what girl you saw last time (a very common question and again she’ll know if that girl provides extras and how much she charges) then you can pretend you don’t remember as it’s been some time. She then left me in the room to get unchanged, I hung my shirt on a hanger (always good when they provide these) and folded the rest of my clothes neatly on a nearby chair. Before I laid down on the massage room I glanced around for tell-tale signs that this was an establishment that may offer extras;
Lock on the door: Always a good sign as it shows that the girls want and can secure privacy. I’ve been to some therapeutic spas that have fucking windows in the doors so the girls can’t even give a handjob on the sly without the risk of being caught – how rude!
Mirror on the wall: Now I’m not talking a small round mirror where you can comb that shitty excuse for a mustache. I’m talking a horizontal mirror on the wall next to the massage table so you can look over and watch whatever sordid activities may occur. Mirror Mirror on the wall, who has the largest loads of all?
Tissue Box: Probably the biggest extras give away really. Why would a standard massage practitioner need a fat box of tissues?
Smiling to myself like a true weirdo, I stripped off and laid face down (always face-down people!) on the massage bed and waited for the masseuse to return. Already my mind was racing as to what the masseuse looked like nude and would she be getting me off in 40 minutes. Taking my mind of these thoughts, I focused on the room and realised with a chuckle that the salon wasn’t playing the standard cringey wind chimes & harp music that they all seem to play but had a dated soft / alternative rock thing going with Evanescence and Counting crows tracks softly playing. It was just plain weird as didn’t suit the mood at all and it felt like I was in a bizarro world where I was getting an erotic massage in a Tardis. I expected to look up at the wall and see this (apologies for my very shitty photoshop skills!)
A few minute later I heard the telltale footsteps of my masseuse returning and this always fills me with a feeling of anticipation and I could feel my cock stirring. The masseuse came in and I heard her lock the door (good sign unless she planned on murdering me) and she introduced herself as Iris. I gave her a fake name, now I often do this and I’m not totally sure why as it always ends up awkward later but we can save my massage autism for a future update. She asked me if I wanted a soft, hard or medium massage and despite not knowing her skills, I told her I wanted a hard massage as I was pretty sore from the gym (sore from the Playstation more like it).
I noted right away that Iris made no attempt to cover my ass with a towel which is nearly always the first step a masseuse will do if she’s not planning on supplying extra (even if she is, many times they will still cover you). You’ll always see a towel on the massage on the bed when you walk in, most people probably cover themselves up with this but I personally have never done this. I always just tuck it to the side of me or on a nearby chair as it sends a clear message of “I’m naked and don’t give a fuck!”. If the girl insists on putting it on me then I never object but it’s always a good test and Iris never made a move for the towel.
She warned me that her hands were going to be cold and she started softly rubbing oil into my upper back. I was pleased with this, I personally hate when a masseuse for some unknown reason decides to start the massage with your legs. Why do I hate this? well whatever erotic strokes are going to be made by the masseuse are likely to happen when she’s massaging your legs right. So it makes sense to perform the most arousing strokes right before it’s time to turn over as she can then get a clear view of how keen you are for a happy ending. If she’s massaging my legs first then that erection is unlikely to last the twenty minutes of back-rubs and then she’s going to flip me over and laugh at my pitiful flaccid cock and wonder if I even want a happy ending. I don’t get why girls do this, massage the legs last dammit!
Iris started chatting away which I don’t mind as the girls must get bored out of their mind massaging away for 60 minutes listening to soft rock. She ran through the standard sensual massage industry chit-chat which is nearly always stuff like;
“What do you do?” (this is nearly always sounding your wallet out so for gods sake don’t say something that screams money like a Doctor or Presidential Wig Repairer)
“How often do you come here?” (Another budget checker, for a laugh and blueballs you could say “Whenever my police shift ends”)
“Are you married?” (This one’s always a bit strange as I’m not sure who actually says yes. I’m guessing a married guy might not be after extras and they are gauging that but in reality most married guys probably do want the extras! *married guys nodding*)
We finished most of the chit-chat with this hilariously awkward exchange;
“Got big plans for tonight?” I asked
“Not really, I’m just heading to a restaurant with friends”
“Nice, which restaurant you going to?”
Now this was a massive blunder by me. I was just making small talk and gave no real fucks about what restaurant she was going to. She of course went into panic mode and probably wondered if I was going to be some crazy stalker. She likely had visions of me charging into the restaurant whilst she was ordering entrees and asking her in front of her friends to give me a handjob in the toilets.
“Ummmm, Errrr, I don’t know….well…My friend made the booking! Yes, she made the booking. She just hasn’t told me the restaurant yet…”
I just chuckled and told her to have a good time and quickly changed the subject before I could spook her anymore. I get it, the girls are stuck in the room with us and some client’s can take the friendly banter, relaxing massage and happy ending as a sign that the girl might be attracted to them. I’ve spoken to many girls about this and have seen first hand all sorts of odd gifts, weird texts and generally creepy behavior displayed by customers. I’m a realist, I’m visiting an asian massage parlor for a good rub-down and to get my rocks off, the chit-chat I can take or leave but I generally find I have a good connection with the girls as I never push any boundaries.
Following the small talk, I settled down to enjoy the massage. Don’t feel the need to keep a conversation going at an asian massage parlor, if you don’t feel like talking then it’s totally fine to lay back and enjoy the massage as that’s what most clients do. I tend to chat until the leg part of the massage as that’s when some of the more sensitive strokes happen and it’s hard to focus on that when you’re explaining the importance of agility on your assassination spec rogue. One hilarious thing I do find is that, when I am having a conversation during this portion of the massage, my voice will either crack or raise in volume as her hand brushes my balls etc. The masseuse nearly always notices and laughs and asks “Is something wrong? Your voice sounded funny?” Grrrr
Iris’s massage technique turned out to be top notch, she right away started attacking my knotted muscles with full muay thai rules, elbows were deployed and it was firm but not to the point of pain. She clearly had been well trained, I’ve had so many massages by now that I can tell without a couple of minutes if a girl is a rookie or a veteran. Iris’s massage was very flowing and she made sure to employ symmetry as it always tilts me when a girl massages say one arm and then totally forgets about the other one. The back portion of the massage was truly relaxing but I still had that awesome feeling of anticipation knowing that she would soon move to my ass and legs.
Iris finished up with my back and I then heard her shuffle down towards my legs. She gently applied a fine layer of oil to my upper thighs and ass and proceeded to rub along my thighs and right before reaching my ass she would run her thumbs along my very upper thigh which stroked along my balls and ass (which felt great). This can sometimes be accidental but a non-sensual masseuse will either totally stay clear of your upper thighs, only use knuckles and elbows so no stray fingers could be misconstrued or cover you firmly with a towel so no sensitive areas can even be accessed. Iris had clearly moved away from the elbows and was now using her fingertips to arouse me at the end of each massage stroke.
She didn’t say anything but you can bet she was watching my reaction with an eagle eye and gauging if I was into it or not. So how should you behave in such a scenario you ask, my advice is this. You want extras and you may want to show the girl you desire extras but you can be subtle about this. When she’s stroking your inner thighs and balls, just spread your legs a tad wider or lift your hips a little so she can get better access if needed. You can even come out and say something like “that feels great” or “It’s really sore there!” as that’ll make certain that the asian massage parlor masseuse knows your all aboard the extras train – choo choo motherfucker.
I didn’t perform any of these maneuvers as I was fairly certain where this was going and sometimes the uncertainty is the best part of an erotic massage. Iris had pretty much ignored my calves (they looked like they’d been eternally ignored in the gym!) and was now firmly massaging my ass and regularly sliding an oiled finger along my ass crack and stroking my balls. I was hard as a rock now and I really craved Iris to reach under and stroke my cock but she still was teasingly keeping up the illusion of this being a massage.
Iris then pulled out one of the most trusted and reliable asian erotic massage parlor techniques a masseuse can perform. She reached behind my knee and gently slid my leg up to my side so my knee was level with my waist. This gave her easy access and direct view of my manly componentry and her oiled hands were soon brushing against my cock, balls, ass and stomach and I was starting to writhe around a little which I’m sure she noticed. She hadn’t grasped my cock yet but I know she could fully see it and she slyly ran fingers along it whilst pretending to be performing a standard massage stroke that ended near my stomach. After swapping sides and performing this same move, I was dying to turn over and Iris must have sensed this and in a quiet voice she asked me;
“You know we do happy endings here right?”
What could have given that away? A strange question really as what if I said “WHAT! I’m just here for the scalp rub!” Also strange timing as the girl nearly always asks you when you’ve flipped over, not when your face is buried in the massage table hole.
I laughed and said Yes I know happy endings are provided and she also giggled and said
“Good!, I’ll go get a hot towel to rub the oil off”
Now, I’m massively opposed to the hot towel and I’ll write an entire future update on the failing of the hot towel at the asian massage parlor. Briefly though, it’s annoying because just like in this instance, the girl leaves the room to get an unnecessary hot towel when you are horny and eager to flip over and get the extras rolling. Instead your left lying there in silence, erection wilting as you wait for the girl to return. The worst part of it is, the girl is never fast, she nearly always has to microwave a towel and whilst she does that she does shit like checking her phone, gossiping with colleagues and google imaging “micropenis” so she knows what she’s dealing with when she returns to my cubicle. Some customers get tilted as fuck over this as they are paying for the girls time and the useless hot towel retrieval feels more like a scam than it does a service but let’s save that rant for later lads.
Iris quickly returns (she was actually gone for an eternity and my once malphite like erection had turned into a disinterested noodle that I was begging to re-awaken). Using the hot towel, Iris wiped the oil from my back, ass and legs and she made sure to innocently brush the rough towel against my balls. Now, unlike many erotic masseuses who just flip you over with no semblance of an erection left, Iris dropped the towel and then used her fingernails to slow drag them across my back and legs before drifting up between my legs and lightly stroking my balls, ass and cock until I was rock-hard again. She then whispered in my ear to turn over as she retrieved the pillow that my legs had been propped up on and handed it to me to put under my head.
Iris rested a hand on my leg and looked down at my throbbing erection, smiled and asked me;
“So, what extras would you like today?”
“What extras do you offer?” In a voice like I was ordering a chicken parmigiana
“Hand Relief is $50, Topless is $70 and nude is a $100”
Now don’t get confused by those figures guys, the hand relief is always included so it’s not in addition to the other extras. So a clothed handjob would cost me an extra $20 and her getting fully naked would set me back an additional $50. The figures were pretty much on par with most massage parlors in town, I could usually haggle the handjob down to $30 or topless to $50 but she was hot, it met my budget and I didn’t want to haggle on new years eve. You’ll note that she didn’t offer a blowjob or full service (sex) but I was fine with that, the blowjobs are nearly always covered (pass) and sex in a massage cubicle is’t something I typically go for.
I went with my trusted move, I had come in with $70 and that’s all I planned on spending. I encourage you do this as then you can only spend what you came in with. The girls have a real knack for drawing more money out of you if they sense you’re a slave to your balls.
“Let’s go with topless please, I have $70”
“We have credit card facilities if you like?” she shyly asked. See what I mean, they’ll always try and up-sell and if you’re weak then you’re soon putting massage services on a traceable credit card which I don’t recommend (more on that in a future post).
“I’m all good, just topless thanks Iris”
She pretended to pout and said “I could get fully naked if you wanted”
Yeah if I wanted to pay! I chuckled and told her I’m ok thanks;
“So handjob right?” This made me pause as I thought that’s all she provided but my brain actually just keep repeating this;
I gulped in the affirmative as Iris started to pull off her shirt. Before we could hit breastly paydirt tough she asked me one of my pet-hates;
“Can you pay me now please?”
Once again, I’ll cover this topic in a future update but it’s an annoying practice that’s becoming more common due to some piece of shit massage clients doing runners at asian massage parlor’s without paying. So I awkwardly pulled myself off the table and shuffled through my jeans trying to find the $70 which I handed to her. I then resumed laying down on the mattress and could hear Iris removing her shirt above me (I wanted to look up and perv but refrained). She then walked back in sight and I saw she had a fantastic rack, not too big but very pale and no sign of sag at all with hot pink nipples. Iris moved up next to the bed and started lighting running her fingers across my chest and lower stomach, she paused before she reached my manhood and I asked her;
“Ok if I touch your boobs?” Always polite to ask boys, the girls will like the fact that you asked
“I WANT you to touch them” she said – wow, not just an ok but she wants me to touch – didn’t buy that at all but Iris was a savvy masseuse!
I reached up and slowly ran my fingers across her boobs. Pausing when I got to her nipples which hardened at my touch. Iris didn’t do any of the fake moans or “just like that daddy!” shit that some of the older asian masseuses do which I detest. As I played with her tits she had reached for the oil and slowly covered my cock and balls with oil which she gently massaged. Iris wasn’t a lazy massage therapist, she used her free arm to run across my body, tweaking my nipples, brushing my mouth and earlobes and just ratcheting up my arousal levels to colossal proportions.
The best part of Iris’s technique though was her focus and attention, she didn’t just stare off into space as she jerked me off (sadly this can be common) but instead she stared me in the eyes, got close to my cock to inspect her handiwork and even once kissed my neck. At this point I was in heaven and my hips were bucking a little as Iris slowly ran her oily hand up and down the shaft before rubbing the head, this continued for quite some time.
Her other hand reached down and she used her fingernails to tease around my anus and balls. Iris continued to stare me in the eyes and smile as she caressed my oiled cock and she soon noticed I was nearing orgasm and she grabbed my hand on her breast and squeezed it so I was pinching her breast and she whispered “harder please”, I complied of course and squeezed her nipple hard and this sent me over the edge and I blew an epic load that had my hips bucking.
Iris continued to milk every last drop of cum from me and I laughed and covered her hand with mine when it got to sensitive and she smiled and apologised. She comfortably chatted to me topless for a few minute and asked if I wanted a scalp massage, I told her that I knew she and the other girls had new years plans (WHERE IS THAT RESTAURANT IRIS!) and I’d let them get ready, she thanked me, gave me a hug and said she hoped to see me again. All fakeness of course but hey that’s the sign of a good erotic masseuse, you leave feeling relaxed, relieved and wanting to come back.
Jesus christ, I just write close to 6000 words about a single handjob! Sorry for the length of the post but it got a bit away from me. Not sure if readers will enjoy this post but if you do, and would like to read more asian erotic massage parlor reviews then shoot me an email at wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com
Happy Endings and never fear, I’ll be seeing that Iris again *Scouring nearby restaurants on google maps*