Fake Photos in online adverts
Today's update on our ever growing erotic massage guide will be on the topic of fake photos. Fake photos from massage parlors is a common erotic massage scam that you'll undoubtedly face in your dogged pursuit of a happy ending.
Not surprisingly, there's always scams to be found when a masseuse is attempting to part money from the wallet of a horny customer. Fake Photos are probably the most frustrating scam, you're chasing a juicy handjob or blowjob but end up with the ConJob.
You see, many of us erotic massage addicts will be hunting down a local parlor / girl online and we're a superficial bunch. We tend to like our masseuses to be young and hot as nobody likes to get jerked off by a lady named Mildred or Dorothy.
Most of the massage parlors or private girls working from home will use online advertising platforms to promote themselves. The problem is there's tonnes of competition and the girls know that a picture of a comfortable massage table isn't going to be enough to lure you in.
If I'm browsing adverts, I'm not going to stop at one advert and think "wow check out the thread-count on those towels!" or zoom in before exclaiming "Almond oil over Jojoba oil? Y'all aint fucking around"- Point is, I'm a fucking neanderthal and they know this.
So the devious bosses started posting pictures of the masseuses supposedly working at the parlor as that WILL draw in the horny guys. Now I'm certain in the early days of the internet, the girls posted real pics but they swiftly realised that guys don't want a massage from a creature that looks like she's from the Upside Down. So that's when the fake photos started to creep in and once one massage parlor started, the rest followed suit and we now have tonnes of adverts where every masseuse looks like she's hot enough to be in a K-Pop group.
As a customer this is fucking annoying as you turn up expecting a massage from the cute girl from Crouching Tiger but instead get jerked off by that creepy old bitch with the blowdart contraption.
Some of you are probably saying "C'mon dicklips, surely it's not as bad as you're making out?"
Ok let me illustrate with some real adverts that I found. We'll break it down into sections shortly but before we do, here's a few common photo tactics by the businesses who post these fake photos;
Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 1: The ugly older sister
The ugly older sister strategy is when the massage parlors inject lookalike fake photos amongst the real photos. They then claim it's the same girl if queried.
Here's a perfect example. Some guys will just see the seductively posed, hot, bunny-faced girl on the left and start running towards the car with wallet and erection at the ready. What they didn't notice was that Grandma flapjacks on the right was also pictured and I guarantee she'll end up being the masseuse that is going to be performing the extras / funeral-rites on your cock.
Most customers would hopefully question why they have to get massaged by the lady who looks like her handjobs smell like methadone when the picture was clearly of a girl much hotter. In these cases the shop always plays the "same girl - look, same clothes!" card and they hope that you're weak / horny enough to just say fuck it and go with the lady who lives in a gingerbread house.
Another great example. We have the lovely air-force captain on the left that would have me ejecting in enemy hands at the speed of sound and the older spitfire on the right that I simply don't want buzzing my engorged flight-tower. I'm sure when customers question the fact that their masseuse looks twenty years older than the first girl they get told "is me but old photo honey".
The hilarious part is that I had to crop out the fact that a little kid was taking a photo of the lady on the right, always a concern when your children are tasked with taking the skanky photos!
Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 2: Every masseuse is a model
This fake photos scam is when the massage parlor simply can't be fucked with posting any real photos amid the fakes so they just go all out. Every girl pictured looks like she's from Playboy or a Japanese bukkake video. It's pretty hilarious as I see the photos and think "If that girl did happen to an erotic masseuse then she'd be jerking off prime ministers not guys the stinky plumber that fixes my toilet" (no offence to plumbers intended!).
When you turn up and find none of the advertised girls working you'll be told such tales as "those girls are on holiday", "they left and we haven't had time to update the gallery" or "it's same girls, you need eye prescription not massage darling"
Here's some real example of girls that have been advertised as working at my local erotic massage parlors;
Does anyone actually expect their erotic masseuse to look like this? Don't get me wrong, I've been massaged and jerked off by some stunning girls but turning up expecting girls like the ones above will lead to a disappointed penis boys. If photo's like the above are being posted then it shows the massage parlor has no problems scamming you and I'm willing to bet that your masseuse will end up looking like this instead;
Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 3: Every masseuse is an emoticon
This fake photos scam has become very popular of late. The scam involves posting fake photos (as per usual) but covering the girls face with some stupid emoticon or picture. What does this achieve? Well two things, they want you the punter to assume that this is a real girl who wants her identity hidden so nobody knows she's milking loads.
Secondly, it just gives the owner an out when you say "Hey that's not the girl from the photo" as you can't see her face so as long as she vaguely looks the same then they'll insist it's the same girl.
Here's some example of emoticon masseuses;
It's a fucking guarantee that none of these "shy" girls covering their faces will be found at the local erotic massage parlor and the only emoticon used during the massage session will be this;
Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 4: The Usual Suspects
In this devious scam, the massage parlor posts a lineup of real pictures of the average looking staff and then one photo of an extremely beautiful girl. It just so happens that every time you visit, the stunner is sick, overseas, on her period or riding a fucking unicorn.
So above we have the wow lineup. You'll notice the first two ladies are pictured in the reception of the shop but strangely Coco is outside holding a bunch of flowers? Why? because that's what cute girls do in fairytales and Coco's just a figment of your imagination. Please don't keep going back hoping that she'll be there to hold your flesh-bouquet as Coco is just bait to lure you into the oily hands of the older ladies.
Well that about covers the topic of fake photos so until next update, happy endings fellas.
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Our Friends (not fakes!)
In today's update on the Erotic Massage Blog, we will be discussing how to give / receive a good handjob and the handjob mistakes that commonly occur during an erotic massage. Now let's clear shit up right now, I've never given a handjob (masturbatory feats don't count guys!) but I've received a tonne of them, so many in fact, that I could probably give a TED talk on the subject. You'd be surprised at how badly some girls are at roughing the passer. For something that looks so simple, there's a fair bit of nuance to it.
I'll run through some common handjob mistakes that masseuses make when dishing out this form of happy ending and will give you some tips on how you can coach your masseuse or girlfriend/boyfriend/demogorgon to give a more satisfying handjob finish.
First off, let's get the common handjob blunders out of the way;
TOP 10 HANDJOB MISTAKES THAT YOUR EROTIC MASSEUSE IS MAKING
Safe to say that the girl above knows her way around a dick and won't be making any handjob mistakes.
So that covers the most common handjob mistakes. The majority of them can be avoided by talking with your masseuse and giving her feedback like "can you slow down a little bit" or "Can we try it without the dildo in my ass?". Sadly some girls are just terrible at it and I urge you to move on, there's no point in spending money to get a shitty nut. If the cook at your local restaurant kept burning your medium-rare steak - would you keep returning?
Ok I have definitely rambled on for far too long but feel free to hit me up if you have any erotic massage questions at wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com.