Erotic Massage Guide 11
Paying for massage extras. A happy ending to your erotic massage.
<Insert shabby yet well-rehearsed excuse for gaps between erotic massage guide updates here>
Regular readers/retrogrades will know my updates are routinely late and my blogs pretty much the menstruation cycle of the internet - monthly, grouchy and if you've missed it then there's a good chance some demon is growing inside of you (you've been warned folks!). Last update we got deep into the happy ending territory of your erotic massage and we scrutinised how much cash you should be coughing up to have your masseuse burp that oily dick of yours. The masseuse has just purred my favourite fucking sentence into your ear;
Would you like a happy ending or extras?"
I pray for your cocks sake that you've stammered
Yes ma'am"
and not
If you let my cock go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
So we'll pretend for my sanity's sake that you've gulped an affirmative to the happy ending and she's hit you up with the delightful menu of extras and you've chosen what your cock desires and what your budget allows.
So what now you plead?
Well my pupils, here's a happy ending handbook that will give you some guidance on paying for those much desired massage extras
ω Haggle: Feel free to haggle over the price on the happy ending menus as nothing is set in semen, only you know how much it's worth to have your glorious seed flying across the massage cubicle (or sadly drooling on your stomach after a penguin like takeoff). Obviously the erotic masseuse has a price in mind as well and she's fully aware that any price that's set now will dictate future happy ending negotiations. My tip is to find a a happy medium as you wanna get off but you want her to be financially invested as trust me her enthusiasm levels won't be top notch after you've promised to pay her in loose change and your Bobs BBQ "frequent fryer" discount card.
Keep in mind that if you are a first timer at this particular parlor then you have no idea as to how impressive / depressing the happy ending is going to be. That mind-blowing handjob could be the equivalent of Jack Burton fucking Lo Pan's shit up or the blistering mailed-in equivalent of anything Edward Norton has excreted post 2002 (in his honour we should name any shitty handjob an "Italian Job"). So go somewhere in the middle as that way you can reward the girl in the future if she ups her extras game and you haven't blown all your beer money if she turns out to be a flop. My experience is that most parlor girls will go the extra mile on that first session as they are competing for your business with other girls at the parlor and they are hoping to rope you in for future bookings. Whereas private girls (chicks who massage from home) often improve over time as they'll up the service after they are comfortable and know you're a good client and not a sleaze (like me).
ω Pay now or pay later?: This is entirely up to the girl and 90% of the time you will pay AFTER you've launched a load but I've been asked from time to time to pay prior to the finish? Why the fuck would I pay first you ask? It's all because some slimy customer has ripped off a girl in the past and now she's wary of getting stiffed on her payment after the session. It's pretty crummy but I've heard a number of stories from girls where clients pull some of the following shady acts;
• Solid Snake: The slippery customer stealths out of the cubicle and out the front door without paying for the extras. He probably assumes it's unlikely that the girls going to chase him into a public place and start yelling about blowjob compensation. This is a pretty sure fire way to get yourself blacklisted or your ass beat.
• Phantom Menace: The customer peers into his wallet and feigns a look of surprise that there's no money in there and promises "Sorry it turns out I'm a fucking retard and don't actually have any cash. Let me race down to an ATM and I'll be right back with the money!" - never to be seen again.
• Mr Pink: This customer just flat out refuses to pay or tip. He'll mutter something about shitty service and then stand firm and refuse to pay. He knows the girl doesn't have any legal options as she can't really call the police and inform them that she's just taken a salty load to the tonsils and the customer won't pay.
Don't be one of these fucking guys ok! It ruins it for the rest of us as nothing fucking sucks more than laying on that massage bed, all ready for a greasy handjob, sloppy blowjob or the girl to fulfil your prison fantasy with a strap-on and she stops everything and asks for cash. You've then gotta clamber off the bed, sift through your jeans to find your elusive wallet which you them clumsily drop and photo's of your wife spill out along with huge wads of cash (despite telling her you could only cough up $30) and you end up looking foolish all because some prick couldn't fucking post-pay!.
ω Pay cash: I've harped on about this a number of times I know but let's go over it one more time chaps. You can pay for the actual massage on card but you always pay for the happy ending with cold hard cash. There's a number of reasons for this like;
• The boss may not know the masseuse is blowing customers for extra cash so when you pay on card for that jizz and tonic, the masseuse has to ask the boss to transfer her that money and alarm bells will be raised when a customer is tipping $50 for a bog standard massage.
• You don't want charges showing up on your credit card records from places like "Ruby's Rub-n-Tug Ranch".
• No chick wants to pay tax on a fucking handjob bro.
That's for this update, hopefully you've worked out "paying for massage extras", next update we'll delve into each extra on the menu starting with the underappreciated "Handjob".
Happy Ending Boys.
How much does an erotic massage cost?. How should I pay for an erotic massage or happy ending?.
How much does an erotic massage cost?
How much should I pay for a happy ending?
Can I pay for a handjob in coins?
These are some of the questions I get asked by rookie erotic massage hunters as it's all fun and gimps until it's time to open that wallet and pay for a ticket to the promised land. I hear all sorts of horror stories about guys over-paying or missing out on some juicy extras as the girl wouldn't accept payment in the form of pokemon cards. So I'm going to give a guideline price on how much you can expect to pay to get that magnificent example / excuse of a penis emptied.
Two rules we must always stick with boys are;
The first rule of RnT-Club (rub and tug) is that we only bring as much money to the massage parlor as we want to spend.
Pretty fucking straight-forward right? Just like a casino, we only bring in as much cash as we can afford or want to spend. This way, when the girl has her hand, mouth or tentacles wrapped firmly around your dick, you're not going to get a second mortgage on your house to shoot a fucking load!
The second rule of RnT-Club is that we only bring cash.
Again, pretty fucking simple. An erotic massage parlor operates on two currencies - cash and cum so expect the girl to be super pissed when she takes a load to the tonsils and you whip out a credit card when it's time to pay.
Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let's move to the happy ending and the cost involved;
How much does an erotic massage cost
The actual cost of the sensual massage is pretty standard in the industry and you can expect to pay around $50-$80 for a one hour erotic massage session. Some parlors or spas may build the extras into the cost of the massage but that's pretty rare as the masseuse makes her money from the extra services. It's the cost of all the extras that makes up the total cost of the massage as without the extras, we just have blue balls. So here's how much you can expect to pay for a happy ending;
- Nudity: I'm talking the masseuse being nude not you! (you better be nude dammit!). Some of you may be surprised that the masseuse isn't naked but it's very common for the girl to administer the massage whilst clothed. You may get asked right away "did you want me to get naked?", I'm unsure who actually declines this and says "Naw I actually kinda dig that cardigan Yuki!" Personally I believe that an erotic masseuse should always be nude but with tough/unnecessary laws I guess it's kinda hard to claim you were dispensing a therapeutic massage when your masseuses salami-garage is in plain sight. Most times I will ask my masseuse if she can do the massage nude and I'll pay extra as it then opens the possibility of roaming hands over her womanly components. It's just not as hot when you're fondling a packet of spearmint gum in her jeans pocket as you get jerked off. Just remember, just because she's naked doesn't mean you an invite to start jamming fingers in jars lookin' for the cooch-cookies. Many girls have limits on what you can and can't fondle and won't appreciate any unexpected cavity searches. Normal procedure is to ask the girls if it's ok to touch and if she gives you the greenlight then you can proceed to be a pervert!
Recommended Wallet Damage: $20-30.
- Nude Bodyslide: The naked bodyslide is commonly performed during the massage when you're lying on your stomach. The masseuse will clamber on top of you and rub her oily body against you, using her breasts and nipples to stimulate your man parts and it feels fucking great. Many an erotic masseuse has used techniques like flicking her hair on my neck or kissing my earlobes which always has me begging to be turned over. I've rarely had a masseuse that will do the bodyslide when I'm facing up as I guess it's very intimate and they run the risk of your probing cock slipping into her spasm chasm. Try not to move too much when the masseuse is sliding around as you don't want her toppling off. Driving her to the emergency room to get a broken arm put into a cast does not count as a happy ending.
Recommended Wallet Damage: $20-$30
- Handjob: This is the most widely offered extra and if you're not offered a handjob/RnT then you're likely shit out of luck for anything else besides an awkward erection. For the uninitiated/home-schooled the handjob involves the masseuse oiling up your erection and stroking it until the ManJam erupts. I have had hundreds of handjob's and you'd be surprised at how many bad / incompetent HJ's I've received over the years, I would have thought it was a pretty simple process but some chicks make many blunders like not enough oil, stopping at the first appearance of ball butter (don't stop!) or wanking you off like she's going for a speed record and blistering your poor penis in the process. What I'm trying to get at is, if the handjobs not going well then just give her some pointers like"slower", "more oil please" or "Can you not use the steel-wool luv?" I have had some mind blowing good handjobs over the year with some masseuses employing ball-emptying tactics like massaging the prostate, staring deep in your eyes as they jerk you off or having TV re-runs of "Golden Girls" episodes in the background.
Recommended Wallet Damage: $30
- Blowjob: The blowjob doesn't get offered as frequently as a handjob during an erotic massage but they do pop up sometimes and are AWESOME! If the masseuse is comfortable with putting your pork-sword into her mouth then she'll often ask you if you want to be finished by hand or mouth. It's rare that the masseuse will actually finish you by mouth but will often blow you until near ejaculation and then finish you off by hand. It's even rarer at least in the Western World to get a blowjob without a condom (BBBJ) as most chicks (and punters!) are very careful. This is often not the case in places like Thailand where a bare-back blowjob will be offered but the risk is yours. Once again I've had some fantastic BJ's during massages and some average ones. Some of the best BJ's are when you're not even expecting it and you're just suddenly in her mouth - Yeah! As with HJ's, if if your not happy with the blowjob then you should offer advice like "slow/faster" or "Could you take out your teeth?"
Recommended Wallet Damage: $30-$50
- Sex/Full Service: Many massage parlors are full service providers where the massage is just foreplay/lead-in to full sex. I don't frequent these places as much as I'm there for the erotic massage not the sex and I find the massages often are pretty mediocre / lazy and they just want to get down to business. Getting full service/sex from your professional erotic masseuses can be tough and likely won't ever be offered on your first visit. Many times though I've seen a girl for a few massages and the extras slowly progress until sex is on the cards and I find that slow build-up is super hot. Having sex on the massage beds can involve some acrobatics (don't dislocate anything!) as they are awkward as hell. Make sure you keep it down (STFU!) though as sex raises alarm bells for councils and police so keep a good thing on the down-low!
Recommended Wallet Damage: $50-$100
- Other Extras: These extras are less common but I've had them offered many times over my illustrious career as an erotic massage addict. For the rookies, here's what they involve;
1. Prostate Massage: A prostate massage is when a girl uses her (hopefully lubricated!) fingers to penetrate your anus and stroke/milk your prostate. It can seem a little uncomfortable at first but the orgasm's it can give can be fucking mind blowing.
2. Massage Swap: This is when the masseuse swaps spots with you and you get to massage her body. This is a real swap of power as she's at your mercy so many masseuses will only do it with clients they trust and for the love of god don't abuse that trust and start jamming fingers in any orifices! I love giving massages and I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'
3. Dining at the Y: Eating a chick out - Bon Appétit
Recommended Wallet Damage for these three: $20-$30
Now I know you've looked at the list and added up all those figures before yelling "Motherfucker I aint Walter White!" but fear not my tightass friends! It's rare that a masseuse will give you a big extensive menu and have you tick off what you'd like but rather she'll bundle them and say something like;
"Nude with bodyslide and handjob is $50"
"Nude with massage swap and blowjob is $100"
"Nude with a strap-on and a gimp will be $500"
So go with makes you comfortable and gets you off! Hopefully we've explained the maths behind how much an erotic massage costs.
Next update we'll break down the extras and go in a bit more depth on them.
A couple of shouts to some fellow porn addicts - Check out the awesome Mr Pinks Porn Blog which is filled with hot naked girls.
Also be sure to check out a genuine erotic masseuse by the name of Grace Love, she can teach you the art of sensual massage.
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