First off, apologies for the large gaps between my online ejaculations. I've been distracted with some real-world bullshit but I'm now back to being able to preach to my fellow erotic massage addicts;
Today we will be discussing erotic massage extras and we'll start off with our childhood sweet-heart "The Handjob". I trust that most of you savages have experienced over the years both the highs and lows of a juicy handjob. You may have suffered a blistered penis as your girlfriend speed-wanked you before her parents got home or blew a confused load in the locker-room as your gym teach whispered in your ear "shooters shoot". A badly administered or rushed sinners-handshake can sometimes feel like a bit of a let-down or failure but a great handjob can be pretty fucking gratifying.. We won't delve into the differences in this update on a good vs bad "rub and tug" but we will rant about how you can help secure yourself one in an erotic massage parlor.
The handjob is pretty much the definition of a happy-ending to an erotic massage visit. If any extras are going to be on the menu, it's going to start with the handjob and many erotic massage parlours won't offer anything more exotic than this standard "rub and tug". Despite a handjob being a mere rung up from wanking out a load ourselves, we all know that substituting your hand with someone else's hand turns that trouser-gravy explosion from pathetic to ballbusting. I've had some mind blowing handjobs over the years from massage girls and here's some tips and thoughts on the most honest and reliable of massage extras - The handjob.
To keep things simple, we're going to pretend you've had the first part of your oil massage and you're now laying on your back and praying to god that the masseuse helps disarm your throbbing pair of balls.
Please tell me you have a fucking erection! This is the clearest sign to the masseuse that you can be persuaded for trading your testicular goulash for some currency. If you're softer than the Browns O-Line than the masseuse could suspect that you're gay or that you're one of those peculiar guys that prefer a therapeutic massage experience (fuck those guys). Even if you're covered by a towel or rocking a pair of underwear, the tented expression of excitement will improve your chances of being propositioned.
We're going to skip ahead and hope that you've read my previous guide on improving your chances of a happy ending. The masseuse has now pointed to your puny manhood and whispered "you want happy ending?". Great! - you're on your way to blowing a load into her sweet hand so here's some handjob tips;
After you've got off, the masseuse will clean you off with tissues and a towel and will usually disappear to get you a hot towel or a drink. During this time you'll get changed and get the money ready for the extras. As discussed in previous posts, don't be a dick and not pay as this ruins it for all future clients as the jaded masseuse will demand up front payments from future clients. Speaking of this, I had a funny incident recently on this very topic. I had just finished an awesome erotic massage and been jerked off by a cute asian girl who we'll call "Ling" that I'm a regular customer of. She returned to the room with a drink and I had finished getting changed. I slurped down a sip of the drink and said;
"Welp, thanks for the great massage. I'll see you next time"
*Ling clears throat*
"Ok well talk to you next time"
*Ling clears throat very loudly whilst starting intently at me*
"Ummm is something wrong?"
*Ling makes cement-mixer like sound with her throat and starts darting her eyes at my groin*
"Oh holy shit! I totally forgot to pay - sorry here's your money"
*Ling chuckles and nods*
Dammit - I was nearly the non-paying douche that I'm always ranting about - FUCK.
That's all for this update boys. Next update we're going to discuss the common mistakes a girl makes when administering a handjob. As always, feel free to hit me up with your erotic massage stories and experiences via email wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com. Happy Endings.
Petite Japanese masseuse Marica Hase doesn't speak a word of English, and her client Justin Hunt can't understand his service options. He's interested in a NURU massage but doesn't know what it's about, and she can't communicate in his language. So, the consummate massage professional puts down her fan and escorts him to the shower room. She undresses her client and removes her traditional kimono robe, surprising Justin with her nudity. He follows her into the shower where she washes his body and gently strokes his cock. When he sits on the bench, she sucks it and rides him in reverse cowgirl. After more sumptuous head in the tub, Marica concludes their soak with some vaginal penetration. She slowly fucks his cock from behind, then moves to the NURU mat with Justin. She cloaks him in NURU gel and licks his back as she slides along his body. Playing with the stringy lubricant on her natural tits, she grinds her wet pussy on his leg and almost cums. Then she turns him over and sucks on dick before spooning him for entry. He fucks her deeply and makes her cum, then pulls out to cum on her pussy!
<Insert shabby yet well-rehearsed excuse for gaps between erotic massage guide updates here>
Regular readers/retrogrades will know my updates are routinely late and my blogs pretty much the menstruation cycle of the internet - monthly, grouchy and if you've missed it then there's a good chance some demon is growing inside of you (you've been warned folks!). Last update we got deep into the happy ending territory of your erotic massage and we scrutinised how much cash you should be coughing up to have your masseuse burp that oily dick of yours. The masseuse has just purred my favourite fucking sentence into your ear;
Would you like a happy ending or extras?"
I pray for your cocks sake that you've stammered
If you let my cock go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
So we'll pretend for my sanity's sake that you've gulped an affirmative to the happy ending and she's hit you up with the delightful menu of extras and you've chosen what your cock desires and what your budget allows.
So what now you plead?
Well my pupils, here's a happy ending handbook that will give you some guidance on paying for those much desired massage extras
ω Haggle: Feel free to haggle over the price on the happy ending menus as nothing is set in semen, only you know how much it's worth to have your glorious seed flying across the massage cubicle (or sadly drooling on your stomach after a penguin like takeoff). Obviously the erotic masseuse has a price in mind as well and she's fully aware that any price that's set now will dictate future happy ending negotiations. My tip is to find a a happy medium as you wanna get off but you want her to be financially invested as trust me her enthusiasm levels won't be top notch after you've promised to pay her in loose change and your Bobs BBQ "frequent fryer" discount card.
Keep in mind that if you are a first timer at this particular parlor then you have no idea as to how impressive / depressing the happy ending is going to be. That mind-blowing handjob could be the equivalent of Jack Burton fucking Lo Pan's shit up or the blistering mailed-in equivalent of anything Edward Norton has excreted post 2002 (in his honour we should name any shitty handjob an "Italian Job"). So go somewhere in the middle as that way you can reward the girl in the future if she ups her extras game and you haven't blown all your beer money if she turns out to be a flop. My experience is that most parlor girls will go the extra mile on that first session as they are competing for your business with other girls at the parlor and they are hoping to rope you in for future bookings. Whereas private girls (chicks who massage from home) often improve over time as they'll up the service after they are comfortable and know you're a good client and not a sleaze (like me).
ω Pay now or pay later?: This is entirely up to the girl and 90% of the time you will pay AFTER you've launched a load but I've been asked from time to time to pay prior to the finish? Why the fuck would I pay first you ask? It's all because some slimy customer has ripped off a girl in the past and now she's wary of getting stiffed on her payment after the session. It's pretty crummy but I've heard a number of stories from girls where clients pull some of the following shady acts;
• Solid Snake: The slippery customer stealths out of the cubicle and out the front door without paying for the extras. He probably assumes it's unlikely that the girls going to chase him into a public place and start yelling about blowjob compensation. This is a pretty sure fire way to get yourself blacklisted or your ass beat.
• Phantom Menace: The customer peers into his wallet and feigns a look of surprise that there's no money in there and promises "Sorry it turns out I'm a fucking retard and don't actually have any cash. Let me race down to an ATM and I'll be right back with the money!" - never to be seen again.
• Mr Pink: This customer just flat out refuses to pay or tip. He'll mutter something about shitty service and then stand firm and refuse to pay. He knows the girl doesn't have any legal options as she can't really call the police and inform them that she's just taken a salty load to the tonsils and the customer won't pay.
Don't be one of these fucking guys ok! It ruins it for the rest of us as nothing fucking sucks more than laying on that massage bed, all ready for a greasy handjob, sloppy blowjob or the girl to fulfil your prison fantasy with a strap-on and she stops everything and asks for cash. You've then gotta clamber off the bed, sift through your jeans to find your elusive wallet which you them clumsily drop and photo's of your wife spill out along with huge wads of cash (despite telling her you could only cough up $30) and you end up looking foolish all because some prick couldn't fucking post-pay!.
ω Pay cash: I've harped on about this a number of times I know but let's go over it one more time chaps. You can pay for the actual massage on card but you always pay for the happy ending with cold hard cash. There's a number of reasons for this like;
• The boss may not know the masseuse is blowing customers for extra cash so when you pay on card for that jizz and tonic, the masseuse has to ask the boss to transfer her that money and alarm bells will be raised when a customer is tipping $50 for a bog standard massage.
• You don't want charges showing up on your credit card records from places like "Ruby's Rub-n-Tug Ranch".
• No chick wants to pay tax on a fucking handjob bro.
That's for this update, hopefully you've worked out "paying for massage extras", next update we'll delve into each extra on the menu starting with the underappreciated "Handjob".
Happy Ending Boys.