Erotic Massage Guide 14

Erotic Massage Scams – Fake Photos

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Fake Photos in online adverts

Today's update on our ever growing erotic massage guide will be on the topic of fake photos. Fake photos from massage parlors is a common erotic massage scam that you'll undoubtedly face in your dogged pursuit of a happy ending.

Not surprisingly, there's always scams to be found when a masseuse is attempting to part money from the wallet of a horny customer. Fake Photos are probably the most frustrating scam, you're chasing a juicy handjob or blowjob but end up with the ConJob.

You see, many of us erotic massage addicts will be hunting down a local parlor / girl online and we're a superficial bunch. We tend to like our masseuses to be young and hot as nobody likes to get jerked off by a lady named Mildred or Dorothy.

Most of the massage parlors or private girls working from home will use online advertising platforms to promote themselves. The problem is there's tonnes of competition and the girls know that a picture of a comfortable massage table isn't going to be enough to lure you in.

If I'm browsing adverts, I'm not going to stop at one advert and think "wow check out the thread-count on those towels!" or zoom in before exclaiming "Almond oil over Jojoba oil? Y'all aint fucking around"- Point is, I'm a fucking neanderthal and they know this.

So the devious bosses started posting pictures of the masseuses supposedly working at the parlor as that WILL draw in the horny guys. Now I'm certain in the early days of the internet, the girls posted real pics but they swiftly realised that guys don't want a massage from a creature that looks like she's from the Upside Down. So that's when the fake photos started to creep in and once one massage parlor started, the rest followed suit and we now have tonnes of adverts where every masseuse looks like she's hot enough to be in a K-Pop group.

As a customer this is fucking annoying as you turn up expecting a massage from the cute girl from Crouching Tiger but instead get jerked off by that creepy old bitch with the blowdart contraption.

Some of you are probably saying "C'mon dicklips, surely it's not as bad as you're making out?"

Ok let me illustrate with some real adverts that I found. We'll break it down into sections shortly but before we do, here's a few common photo tactics by the businesses who post these fake photos;

The pictures are often small and poor resolution so it's hard to make out exact details. This is just another out for them as they can say "no sir, the Sasquatch I want to massage you is the same as the oriental princess in the photo, it's just a blurry photo"
The websites don't allow you to save the photo's or reverse google image them as you'd surely find out they are used on dozens of escort profiles.
I regularly find that many of the galleries are slow to load and hard to transition between photos. It could just be that they are hosted on shitty servers or is that my conspiracy boner tingling?

Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 1: The ugly older sister

The ugly older sister strategy is when the massage parlors inject lookalike fake photos amongst the real photos. They then claim it's the same girl if queried.

Here's a perfect example. Some guys will just see the seductively posed, hot, bunny-faced girl on the left and start running towards the car with wallet and erection at the ready. What they didn't notice was that Grandma flapjacks on the right was also pictured and I guarantee she'll end up being the masseuse that is going to be performing the extras / funeral-rites on your cock.

Most customers would hopefully question why they have to get massaged by the lady who looks like her handjobs smell like methadone when the picture was clearly of a girl much hotter. In these cases the shop always plays the "same girl - look, same clothes!" card and they hope that you're weak / horny enough to just say fuck it and go with the lady who lives in a gingerbread house.

Another great example. We have the lovely air-force captain on the left that would have me ejecting in enemy hands at the speed of sound and the older spitfire on the right that I simply don't want buzzing my engorged flight-tower. I'm sure when customers question the fact that their masseuse looks twenty years older than the first girl they get told "is me but old photo honey".

The hilarious part is that I had to crop out the fact that a little kid was taking a photo of the lady on the right, always a concern when your children are tasked with taking the skanky photos!

Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 2: Every masseuse is a model

This fake photos scam is when the massage parlor simply can't be fucked with posting any real photos amid the fakes so they just go all out. Every girl pictured looks like she's from Playboy or a Japanese bukkake video. It's pretty hilarious as I see the photos and think "If that girl did happen to an erotic masseuse then she'd be jerking off prime ministers not guys the stinky plumber that fixes my toilet" (no offence to plumbers intended!).

When you turn up and find none of the advertised girls working you'll be told such tales as "those girls are on holiday", "they left and we haven't had time to update the gallery" or "it's same girls, you need eye prescription not massage darling"

Here's some real example of girls that have been advertised as working at my local erotic massage parlors;

Does anyone actually expect their erotic masseuse to look like this? Don't get me wrong, I've been massaged and jerked off by some stunning girls but turning up expecting girls like the ones above will lead to a disappointed penis boys. If photo's like the above are being posted then it shows the massage parlor has no problems scamming you and I'm willing to bet that your masseuse will end up looking like this instead;

Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 3: Every masseuse is an emoticon

This fake photos scam has become very popular of late. The scam involves posting fake photos (as per usual) but covering the girls face with some stupid emoticon or picture. What does this achieve? Well two things, they want you the punter to assume that this is a real girl who wants her identity hidden so nobody knows she's milking loads.

Secondly, it just gives the owner an out when you say "Hey that's not the girl from the photo" as you can't see her face so as long as she vaguely looks the same then they'll insist it's the same girl.

Here's some example of emoticon masseuses;

It's a fucking guarantee that none of these "shy" girls covering their faces will be found at the local erotic massage parlor and the only emoticon used during the massage session will be this;

Erotic Massage Fake Photos Scam 4: The Usual Suspects

In this devious scam, the massage parlor posts a lineup of real pictures of the average looking staff and then one photo of an extremely beautiful girl. It just so happens that every time you visit, the stunner is sick, overseas, on her period or riding a fucking unicorn.

So above we have the wow lineup. You'll notice the first two ladies are pictured in the reception of the shop but strangely Coco is outside holding a bunch of flowers? Why? because that's what cute girls do in fairytales and Coco's just a figment of your imagination. Please don't keep going back hoping that she'll be there to hold your flesh-bouquet as Coco is just bait to lure you into the oily hands of the older ladies.

Well that about covers the topic of fake photos so until next update, happy endings fellas.

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Top ten handjob mistakes in an erotic massage

Handjob Mistakes

In today's update on the Erotic Massage Blog, we will be discussing how to give / receive a good handjob and the handjob mistakes that commonly occur during an erotic massage. Now let's clear shit up right now, I've never given a handjob (masturbatory feats don't count guys!) but I've received a tonne of them, so many in fact, that I could probably give a TED talk on the subject. You'd be surprised at how badly some girls are at roughing the passer. For something that looks so simple, there's a fair bit of nuance to it.

I'll run through some common handjob mistakes that masseuses make when dishing out this form of happy ending and will give you some tips on how you can coach your masseuse or girlfriend/boyfriend/demogorgon to give a more satisfying handjob finish.

First off, let's get the common handjob blunders out of the way;

TOP 10 HANDJOB MISTAKES THAT YOUR EROTIC MASSEUSE IS MAKING

Not enough oil: This one is by far one of the worst handjob mistakes that can be made. A dry handjob is tortuorous and should be in clear violation of the Geneva convention. This mistake comes in two forms, the girl either starts the handjob with little to no oil OR the oil gets absorbed / chugged by your cock and she fails to re-apply. Dry handjobs fucking suck, the masseuses hand isn't able to cleanly glide up and down your cock and instead you have this painful and awkward sandpaper like friction that will possibly leave your with a blistered cock. A handjob is essentially a threesome with her hand, your cock and some form of lubrication all critical requirements so for god's sake ladies - ADD OIL TO THE COCK!
Too much oil: A good handjob is all about friction and I'm fairly certain that one of Newton's laws of motions covered this as he was undoubtedly an erotic massage fiend. Dumping a gallon of oil on your cock means you're masseuse isn't going to be able to get a firm grip and the handjob will feel weak and half-assed. You want your cock oiled but not so much that the masseuse looks like she's trying to handle a slippery fucking fish. Too much oil is definitely one of the handjob mistakes that you want to avoid.
Lack of enthusiasm: Nothing kills the mood / feelings / rigidity of my penis more than looking up and seeing the girl staring off into space completely disinterested. I don't expect her to be worshiping my penis or singing hymns proclaiming it as a meaty deity but could you at least pay attention!. Now let's not get shit twisted, we're not talking about any horrific episodes of staff being trafficked etc (we'll touch on that issue in a future update) but more where the girl is either grumpy that you've only paid out for a handjob rather than a BJ / FS (god bless her dedication) or that she's tired, wants to quickly move on to the next session or is generally just a shitty erotic massage masseuse.
A bored handjob is one I'd rather completely pass up as it's easy to take boredom / disinterest in that she's not into it at all. It's generally not wise to think that way as I've had plenty of plain shit standard massages and you'd be right in thinking that she just gives a shitty massage and it's nothing to do with her feelings towards you as a customer. The rushed handjob with a lack of enthusiasm is also counter productive if she just wants to get on to the next customer. I guarantee that I'll blow faster and possibly return if the girls actually paying attention to my cock which means she gets done quicker!
No communication: Administering a handjob in total silence always feels weird. It just magnifies the masturbatory sounds that you're hoping the prude boss / customers don't hear or you're getting jerked off to that awful music that all the parlors seem to play with cringey wind-chimes and ocean breezes. I wonder what that CD is called, is it something simple like "Handjob Mixtape" or something more artistic like "Summer Rain Load Extractor". I don't expect my masseuse to be chatting away whilst she goads the load as that shit is plain distracting BUT it's always nice when the masseuse asks if I like it or says some shit like "I want to see you cum" or "Release the Kraken!"
Too much communication: A touch of handjob chatter is fine but my erection always gets frustrated when the girl won't stop talking as she jerks me off. Listen, I know that you think the customer cares what your favorite scene from "Gone Girl" is but we don't, we just want to blow a load and scamper. This shit I can live with though, it shows the girl's at least not a robot BUT what I can't live with is that fake "he's about to cum so I'm going to ratchet up the dirty talk to a 29.
This is how it always plays out, you're getting close to completing project ejeculation and the masseuse senses this and suddenly she starts doing all this exaggerated fake moaning (WTF pleasure are you getting from this?) with the "Ohhhhh" "Yeahhhh" "YES YES YES" shit and "YES BABY, YES GOOD, YES MY DADDY FINISH BIG". This shit I hate, it's so put on and forced and I always lie there afterwards knowing that my penis is cringing and promising never to touch that hand again. Older Asian masseuses are notorious for this, they know their looks aren't going to get us off so they they try to tip you over the edge with whatever they learnt in some bog-standard porno.
Too fast: I probably should have put this at the top as it's by far the most common handjob mistakes that erotic masseuses make. Many masseuses incorrectly assume that jerking us off at light speed means we'll cum at light speed. Nope! A good handjob is about tempo and getting jerked off at furious speed rarely feels good and nearly will always result in me taking longer to blow. A good erotic massage will tease the finish out. So, slow things down, you won't be able to spot what the client enjoys if your hand's moving so fast that the other erotic masseuses are trying to get into your hands slipstream. Fast handjobs are also the noisiest so I really wish girls wouldn't go with this method when I'm in a salon where extras are on the downlow.
Shaft Focus: The girl giving you the handjob solely focuses on your cock. What the hell is wrong with that you cry! The issue is that there's tonnes of erogenous zones on your body and your cock is just one of those. Most times the masseuse is going to be jerking you off with one hand, that is unless you're hung like Thanos or she has tiny bird hands which requires her to use both hands. You'd be surprised at how many girls do the one-hand jerk whilst her other hand just hangs limpy by her side. A good handjob practitioner will use that other hand to roam over your body so she's tweaking your nipples, prodding your anus, running fingers over your lips or flashing gang signs.
She puts on a condom: Ok I better clear that up, I'm not saying she has a dick and she rubbers up before giving you the massage (could be the case in Thailand!). I'm saying that there's *stops to shudder* some girls who slide on a condom before jerking you off. Listen, I'm all for safe sex but getting jerked off whilst wearing a rubber is a really shitty feeling and I'd never return to an establishment that made me do it. It's only happened to me once or twice and the initial thought is always "oh wow she's going to fuck me?!" but the initial excitement quickly turns to dismay as she starts giving you a condom capped handjob. She may as well whisper "the horror...the horror" as I'm pathetically nutting.
She stops the moment you cum: I feel tilted just typing this as it's one of the most frustrating handjob mistakes and actually happens a fair bit. You're getting a great handjob, you can feel yourself approaching orgasm, you tell the girl you're going to cum (always warn her fellas) and the moment the first drop of ball-batter leaves your cock, she stops stroking and goes into clean-up mode. DON'T DO THIS! We're here to get off and you've denied us at the very best and most expensive part of the service.
Ladies, the dozen or so strokes post orgasm feel fucking great and then things can get a little sensitive but please make sure your client gets jerked off to fruition. If it's getting sensitive then the guy will pat your hand or say "You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a man insane". I get why the girl does it, she's worried we will blow loads all over the room and her next client is asking why the cubicle smells like a gloryhole. A good handjob artist will hang on for dear life and position your cock so it doesn't baste her face/hair but also avoid spraying YOUR face (that's happened to me and it's not pleasant lads!).
She doesn't use her mouth: This is the common handjob joke / pun as most guys treat a handjob as a last resort and on par with masturbation. I'm going to just come out and say it - The handjob is fucking under-rated! That's right, I'm pro handjob!, why?, well because I have had so many handjobs that I know how fucking good a well executed HJ can be. I've had handjobs so good that I can barely stumble out of the massage cubicle as my legs are shaking and the masseuse is chuckling.
Sure, a blowjob is better but the margin of error is much higher in my experience and often it's a covered blowjob which I can't stand. If you hate handjobs then I really believe that you've yet to experience a good one. A friend of mine used to dismiss a handjob finish with a "waste of cum" mantra but I took him to a massage shop where the girl was the fucking Yoda of handjobs and he came out smiling and said "I love the smell of a handjob in the morning!".. Dismiss the handjob at your peril!

Safe to say that the girl above knows her way around a dick and won't be making any handjob mistakes.

So that covers the most common handjob mistakes. The majority of them can be avoided by talking with your masseuse and giving her feedback like "can you slow down a little bit" or "Can we try it without the dildo in my ass?". Sadly some girls are just terrible at it and I urge you to move on, there's no point in spending money to get a shitty nut. If the cook at your local restaurant kept burning your medium-rare steak - would you keep returning?

Ok I have definitely rambled on for far too long but feel free to hit me up if you have any erotic massage questions at wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com.

Happy Endings

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