<Insert shabby yet well-rehearsed excuse for gaps between erotic massage guide updates here>
Regular readers/retrogrades will know my updates are routinely late and my blogs pretty much the menstruation cycle of the internet - monthly, grouchy and if you've missed it then there's a good chance some demon is growing inside of you (you've been warned folks!). Last update we got deep into the happy ending territory of your erotic massage and we scrutinised how much cash you should be coughing up to have your masseuse burp that oily dick of yours. The masseuse has just purred my favourite fucking sentence into your ear;
Would you like a happy ending or extras?"
I pray for your cocks sake that you've stammered
If you let my cock go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
So we'll pretend for my sanity's sake that you've gulped an affirmative to the happy ending and she's hit you up with the delightful menu of extras and you've chosen what your cock desires and what your budget allows.
So what now you plead?
Well my pupils, here's a happy ending handbook that will give you some guidance on paying for those much desired massage extras
ω Haggle: Feel free to haggle over the price on the happy ending menus as nothing is set in semen, only you know how much it's worth to have your glorious seed flying across the massage cubicle (or sadly drooling on your stomach after a penguin like takeoff). Obviously the erotic masseuse has a price in mind as well and she's fully aware that any price that's set now will dictate future happy ending negotiations. My tip is to find a a happy medium as you wanna get off but you want her to be financially invested as trust me her enthusiasm levels won't be top notch after you've promised to pay her in loose change and your Bobs BBQ "frequent fryer" discount card.
Keep in mind that if you are a first timer at this particular parlor then you have no idea as to how impressive / depressing the happy ending is going to be. That mind-blowing handjob could be the equivalent of Jack Burton fucking Lo Pan's shit up or the blistering mailed-in equivalent of anything Edward Norton has excreted post 2002 (in his honour we should name any shitty handjob an "Italian Job"). So go somewhere in the middle as that way you can reward the girl in the future if she ups her extras game and you haven't blown all your beer money if she turns out to be a flop. My experience is that most parlor girls will go the extra mile on that first session as they are competing for your business with other girls at the parlor and they are hoping to rope you in for future bookings. Whereas private girls (chicks who massage from home) often improve over time as they'll up the service after they are comfortable and know you're a good client and not a sleaze (like me).
ω Pay now or pay later?: This is entirely up to the girl and 90% of the time you will pay AFTER you've launched a load but I've been asked from time to time to pay prior to the finish? Why the fuck would I pay first you ask? It's all because some slimy customer has ripped off a girl in the past and now she's wary of getting stiffed on her payment after the session. It's pretty crummy but I've heard a number of stories from girls where clients pull some of the following shady acts;
• Solid Snake: The slippery customer stealths out of the cubicle and out the front door without paying for the extras. He probably assumes it's unlikely that the girls going to chase him into a public place and start yelling about blowjob compensation. This is a pretty sure fire way to get yourself blacklisted or your ass beat.
• Phantom Menace: The customer peers into his wallet and feigns a look of surprise that there's no money in there and promises "Sorry it turns out I'm a fucking retard and don't actually have any cash. Let me race down to an ATM and I'll be right back with the money!" - never to be seen again.
• Mr Pink: This customer just flat out refuses to pay or tip. He'll mutter something about shitty service and then stand firm and refuse to pay. He knows the girl doesn't have any legal options as she can't really call the police and inform them that she's just taken a salty load to the tonsils and the customer won't pay.
Don't be one of these fucking guys ok! It ruins it for the rest of us as nothing fucking sucks more than laying on that massage bed, all ready for a greasy handjob, sloppy blowjob or the girl to fulfil your prison fantasy with a strap-on and she stops everything and asks for cash. You've then gotta clamber off the bed, sift through your jeans to find your elusive wallet which you them clumsily drop and photo's of your wife spill out along with huge wads of cash (despite telling her you could only cough up $30) and you end up looking foolish all because some prick couldn't fucking post-pay!.
ω Pay cash: I've harped on about this a number of times I know but let's go over it one more time chaps. You can pay for the actual massage on card but you always pay for the happy ending with cold hard cash. There's a number of reasons for this like;
• The boss may not know the masseuse is blowing customers for extra cash so when you pay on card for that jizz and tonic, the masseuse has to ask the boss to transfer her that money and alarm bells will be raised when a customer is tipping $50 for a bog standard massage.
• You don't want charges showing up on your credit card records from places like "Ruby's Rub-n-Tug Ranch".
• No chick wants to pay tax on a fucking handjob bro.
That's for this update, hopefully you've worked out "paying for massage extras", next update we'll delve into each extra on the menu starting with the underappreciated "Handjob".
Happy Ending Boys.
How much does an erotic massage cost?
How much should I pay for a happy ending?
Can I pay for a handjob in coins?
These are some of the questions I get asked by rookie erotic massage hunters as it's all fun and gimps until it's time to open that wallet and pay for a ticket to the promised land. I hear all sorts of horror stories about guys over-paying or missing out on some juicy extras as the girl wouldn't accept payment in the form of pokemon cards. So I'm going to give a guideline price on how much you can expect to pay to get that magnificent example / excuse of a penis emptied.
Two rules we must always stick with boys are;
The first rule of RnT-Club (rub and tug) is that we only bring as much money to the massage parlor as we want to spend.
Pretty fucking straight-forward right? Just like a casino, we only bring in as much cash as we can afford or want to spend. This way, when the girl has her hand, mouth or tentacles wrapped firmly around your dick, you're not going to get a second mortgage on your house to shoot a fucking load!
The second rule of RnT-Club is that we only bring cash.
Again, pretty fucking simple. An erotic massage parlor operates on two currencies - cash and cum so expect the girl to be super pissed when she takes a load to the tonsils and you whip out a credit card when it's time to pay.
Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let's move to the happy ending and the cost involved;
The actual cost of the sensual massage is pretty standard in the industry and you can expect to pay around $50-$80 for a one hour erotic massage session. Some parlors or spas may build the extras into the cost of the massage but that's pretty rare as the masseuse makes her money from the extra services. It's the cost of all the extras that makes up the total cost of the massage as without the extras, we just have blue balls. So here's how much you can expect to pay for a happy ending;
Now I know you've looked at the list and added up all those figures before yelling "Motherfucker I aint Walter White!" but fear not my tightass friends! It's rare that a masseuse will give you a big extensive menu and have you tick off what you'd like but rather she'll bundle them and say something like;
"Nude with bodyslide and handjob is $50"
"Nude with massage swap and blowjob is $100"
"Nude with a strap-on and a gimp will be $500"
So go with makes you comfortable and gets you off! Hopefully we've explained the maths behind how much an erotic massage costs.
Next update we'll break down the extras and go in a bit more depth on them.
A couple of shouts to some fellow porn addicts - Check out the awesome Mr Pinks Porn Blog which is filled with hot naked girls.
Also be sure to check out a genuine erotic masseuse by the name of Grace Love, she can teach you the art of sensual massage.