How much does an erotic massage cost?
How much should I pay for a happy ending?
Can I pay for a handjob in coins?
These are some of the questions I get asked by rookie erotic massage hunters as it's all fun and gimps until it's time to open that wallet and pay for a ticket to the promised land. I hear all sorts of horror stories about guys over-paying or missing out on some juicy extras as the girl wouldn't accept payment in the form of pokemon cards. So I'm going to give a guideline price on how much you can expect to pay to get that magnificent example / excuse of a penis emptied.
Two rules we must always stick with boys are;
The first rule of RnT-Club (rub and tug) is that we only bring as much money to the massage parlor as we want to spend.
Pretty fucking straight-forward right? Just like a casino, we only bring in as much cash as we can afford or want to spend. This way, when the girl has her hand, mouth or tentacles wrapped firmly around your dick, you're not going to get a second mortgage on your house to shoot a fucking load!
The second rule of RnT-Club is that we only bring cash.
Again, pretty fucking simple. An erotic massage parlor operates on two currencies - cash and cum so expect the girl to be super pissed when she takes a load to the tonsils and you whip out a credit card when it's time to pay.
Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let's move to the happy ending and the cost involved;
The actual cost of the sensual massage is pretty standard in the industry and you can expect to pay around $50-$80 for a one hour erotic massage session. Some parlors or spas may build the extras into the cost of the massage but that's pretty rare as the masseuse makes her money from the extra services. It's the cost of all the extras that makes up the total cost of the massage as without the extras, we just have blue balls. So here's how much you can expect to pay for a happy ending;
Now I know you've looked at the list and added up all those figures before yelling "Motherfucker I aint Walter White!" but fear not my tightass friends! It's rare that a masseuse will give you a big extensive menu and have you tick off what you'd like but rather she'll bundle them and say something like;
"Nude with bodyslide and handjob is $50"
"Nude with massage swap and blowjob is $100"
"Nude with a strap-on and a gimp will be $500"
So go with makes you comfortable and gets you off! Hopefully we've explained the maths behind how much an erotic massage costs.
Next update we'll break down the extras and go in a bit more depth on them.
A couple of shouts to some fellow porn addicts - Check out the awesome Mr Pinks Porn Blog which is filled with hot naked girls.
Also be sure to check out a genuine erotic masseuse by the name of <had to delete as guess she's traded handjobs for husbandry or some shit>, she can teach you the art of sensual massage.
Welcome back my fellow erotic massage addicts. I trust that you've been following my sordid advice and have launched your own debaucherous quests to get your cock purged at your local erotic massage parlor.
Last update we examined the topic of the massage "flip-over" which is a true boner barometer and one of the most exciting parts of the (hopefully) erotic massage. One thing I forgot to mention is that not all massages will even have a flip-over. That's right boys, some deplorable masseuses will spend the entire time massaging your fucking back region and won't even give you the opportunity to flip over which leads to a chronic case of testicular trauma - feelsbadman.
We'll go ahead and pretend that you're masseuse isn't inhumane and she's flipped you over and she's either covered or not covered you're potent erection (see last update for towel protocol). Now we slide onto the delightful topic of "will massage extras be offered?"
An experienced erotic masseuse will continue the massage post flip-over as usual and after oiling up your legs, she'll smoothly run her hands up your thighs and deviate from touching your cock at the very last moment but not before lightly stroking your balls or the bottom of your shaft. She'll move her oily hands to your inner thighs and rub from bottom to top in short and sharp motions and slowly creep it up until your squirming around trying to get her to touch your engorged balls.
A true massage technician won't give in and will leave you hanging but give your balls enough attention that you're writhing in anticipation more than frustration. Some girls will even oil up your balls and rub away at them like they are shining up an apple, they'll of course say nothing and pretend this is standard massage procedure but if your balls are in a girls hands then it's a pretty fucking good chance that you'll be releasing a liquid sasquatch soon. You'll find the masseuse often raises your knees to the side like you're giving fucking birth as this allows her easy and "accidental" stroking of your balls and anus area which always feels awesome.
Next will be your stomach and chest area, the masseuse will position herself above your head and rub downwards, first stroking your manboobs before stopping just short of your basilisk. This also allows her to position her boobs directly over your head so every time she strokes downwards, not only are you squirming in anticipation but you're also getting an eyeful of her hopefully enormous boobs - love this shit! I generally let the girl dictate where the massage goes as the anticipation of not knowing where the session is leading is a key of the thrill of a visit to a massage parlor.
Some guys/customers may choose to give the girl instructions or pointers like moaning when she touches your balls or simply saying something like "that feels good" or "the dude abides" when she prods a sensitive zone but that's up to you boys, you can enjoy the ride or steer it in the direction you want.
Now that you're really and truly oiled, relaxed and aroused we come to the subject of "asking for massage extras and a happy ending". Following the last part of the standard massage, your masseuse will saunter to the side of your body and do one of three things;
• Cops: In many countries like the USA, they've deemed paying a professional to jerk you off as illegal and a downright sin. Don't even get me started on this topic as it always makes me fucking rage. They always interview the neighbours of the massage parlors and a 100% of the time they reel off some bullshit like "we don't like the type of people that these establishments attract!".
WHAT TYPE OF FUCKING PEOPLE! - do they really think that the only people who opt for a happy ending at the end of their massage are murderers, rapists, child molesters and stormtroopers. Hate to break it to you folks but the guys launching loads in those cubicles are your neighbours, your teachers or your dads. So rather than make all this shit legal where they could better police it and stamp out human trafficking (as that's the number one reason/excuse that the cops use for busting a parlor or spa) they force it all underground and make getting jerked off a giant pain in the anus.
Police officers will routinely pose as customers and bust a girl if she propositions them for any massage extras so the girls are naturally wary and will wait for the customer to ask the question. Thankfully this isn't a problem in all countries but it must suck living in a place where asking for a handjob can result in you getting locked up and given an unhappy ending by your cellmate. I guess if you're like me and built like a 12 year old kid then the masseuse doesn't need to worry about your cop status! So all you chiselled and dashingly handsome types - sucks to be you officer blueballs!
• She's shy: Not every masseuse is a veteran that has swallowed more loads than one direction or goes home to read the handjob-handbook. She might be new on the job, she might be a backpacker doing this for some holiday money or she might just not be confident enough to say "I love the smell of sperm in the morning". I've been jerked off by plenty of shy girls who confided that they never ask and leave it upto the customer to ask for extras. New staff can be unsure if a client wants massage extras so rather than run the risk of offending some weirdo who stockpiles his sperm, she'll stay quiet until the client asks if a happy finale can be arranged. Just remember troops, if you ask and she says no, leave it at that and don't press the issue or pester her.
• You're a first time customer: Some girls make a habit of not offering massage extras to first time customers. This way they can see what vibe they get off the guy (or evaluate if he's a cop) and next session they'll hit you up for extras. They'll often make the actual session very arousing with plenty of teasing, stroking of your balls etc so you're hanging out for more and will finish the session with a tantalising "next massage" will be even better etc so they've got you on the hook. I once had a first time session where the girl was hot as fuck but besides the odd lingering touch, she offered no extras and I went home a bit perplexed as I had heard rumours that she was open to taking a load off. So I re-booked a week later and within 15 minutes we were in a 69 position and I was trying (failing) to hold off blowing a load in her mouth - where the fuck was that shit last week!?
• Extras aren't available: See point 3
Next update we'll discuss what's on the massage extras menu and help you navigate all of the delicacies on offer.
I've decided to increase the font on the website - if it looks fucking trash then ping me an email and I'll revert it back to whatever peasant font I was rocking previously.
A quick shout-out to my boy Chris over @ The Erotixx blog - be sure to check it out as he has a tonne of pictures of nude chicks. Also check out FappyBird who has heaps of porn videos for your masturbation compulsions.
Happy Endings Boys!