Erotic Massage Guide 14
How much does an erotic massage cost?. How should I pay for an erotic massage or happy ending?.
How much does an erotic massage cost?
How much should I pay for a happy ending?
Can I pay for a handjob in coins?
These are some of the questions I get asked by rookie erotic massage hunters as it's all fun and gimps until it's time to open that wallet and pay for a ticket to the promised land. I hear all sorts of horror stories about guys over-paying or missing out on some juicy extras as the girl wouldn't accept payment in the form of pokemon cards. So I'm going to give a guideline price on how much you can expect to pay to get that magnificent example / excuse of a penis emptied.
Two rules we must always stick with boys are;
The first rule of RnT-Club (rub and tug) is that we only bring as much money to the massage parlor as we want to spend.
Pretty fucking straight-forward right? Just like a casino, we only bring in as much cash as we can afford or want to spend. This way, when the girl has her hand, mouth or tentacles wrapped firmly around your dick, you're not going to get a second mortgage on your house to shoot a fucking load!
The second rule of RnT-Club is that we only bring cash.
Again, pretty fucking simple. An erotic massage parlor operates on two currencies - cash and cum so expect the girl to be super pissed when she takes a load to the tonsils and you whip out a credit card when it's time to pay.
Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let's move to the happy ending and the cost involved;
How much does an erotic massage cost
The actual cost of the sensual massage is pretty standard in the industry and you can expect to pay around $50-$80 for a one hour erotic massage session. Some parlors or spas may build the extras into the cost of the massage but that's pretty rare as the masseuse makes her money from the extra services. It's the cost of all the extras that makes up the total cost of the massage as without the extras, we just have blue balls. So here's how much you can expect to pay for a happy ending;
- Nudity: I'm talking the masseuse being nude not you! (you better be nude dammit!). Some of you may be surprised that the masseuse isn't naked but it's very common for the girl to administer the massage whilst clothed. You may get asked right away "did you want me to get naked?", I'm unsure who actually declines this and says "Naw I actually kinda dig that cardigan Yuki!" Personally I believe that an erotic masseuse should always be nude but with tough/unnecessary laws I guess it's kinda hard to claim you were dispensing a therapeutic massage when your masseuses salami-garage is in plain sight. Most times I will ask my masseuse if she can do the massage nude and I'll pay extra as it then opens the possibility of roaming hands over her womanly components. It's just not as hot when you're fondling a packet of spearmint gum in her jeans pocket as you get jerked off. Just remember, just because she's naked doesn't mean you an invite to start jamming fingers in jars lookin' for the cooch-cookies. Many girls have limits on what you can and can't fondle and won't appreciate any unexpected cavity searches. Normal procedure is to ask the girls if it's ok to touch and if she gives you the greenlight then you can proceed to be a pervert!
Recommended Wallet Damage: $20-30.
- Nude Bodyslide: The naked bodyslide is commonly performed during the massage when you're lying on your stomach. The masseuse will clamber on top of you and rub her oily body against you, using her breasts and nipples to stimulate your man parts and it feels fucking great. Many an erotic masseuse has used techniques like flicking her hair on my neck or kissing my earlobes which always has me begging to be turned over. I've rarely had a masseuse that will do the bodyslide when I'm facing up as I guess it's very intimate and they run the risk of your probing cock slipping into her spasm chasm. Try not to move too much when the masseuse is sliding around as you don't want her toppling off. Driving her to the emergency room to get a broken arm put into a cast does not count as a happy ending.
Recommended Wallet Damage: $20-$30
- Handjob: This is the most widely offered extra and if you're not offered a handjob/RnT then you're likely shit out of luck for anything else besides an awkward erection. For the uninitiated/home-schooled the handjob involves the masseuse oiling up your erection and stroking it until the ManJam erupts. I have had hundreds of handjob's and you'd be surprised at how many bad / incompetent HJ's I've received over the years, I would have thought it was a pretty simple process but some chicks make many blunders like not enough oil, stopping at the first appearance of ball butter (don't stop!) or wanking you off like she's going for a speed record and blistering your poor penis in the process. What I'm trying to get at is, if the handjobs not going well then just give her some pointers like"slower", "more oil please" or "Can you not use the steel-wool luv?" I have had some mind blowing good handjobs over the year with some masseuses employing ball-emptying tactics like massaging the prostate, staring deep in your eyes as they jerk you off or having TV re-runs of "Golden Girls" episodes in the background.
Recommended Wallet Damage: $30
- Blowjob: The blowjob doesn't get offered as frequently as a handjob during an erotic massage but they do pop up sometimes and are AWESOME! If the masseuse is comfortable with putting your pork-sword into her mouth then she'll often ask you if you want to be finished by hand or mouth. It's rare that the masseuse will actually finish you by mouth but will often blow you until near ejaculation and then finish you off by hand. It's even rarer at least in the Western World to get a blowjob without a condom (BBBJ) as most chicks (and punters!) are very careful. This is often not the case in places like Thailand where a bare-back blowjob will be offered but the risk is yours. Once again I've had some fantastic BJ's during massages and some average ones. Some of the best BJ's are when you're not even expecting it and you're just suddenly in her mouth - Yeah! As with HJ's, if if your not happy with the blowjob then you should offer advice like "slow/faster" or "Could you take out your teeth?"
Recommended Wallet Damage: $30-$50
- Sex/Full Service: Many massage parlors are full service providers where the massage is just foreplay/lead-in to full sex. I don't frequent these places as much as I'm there for the erotic massage not the sex and I find the massages often are pretty mediocre / lazy and they just want to get down to business. Getting full service/sex from your professional erotic masseuses can be tough and likely won't ever be offered on your first visit. Many times though I've seen a girl for a few massages and the extras slowly progress until sex is on the cards and I find that slow build-up is super hot. Having sex on the massage beds can involve some acrobatics (don't dislocate anything!) as they are awkward as hell. Make sure you keep it down (STFU!) though as sex raises alarm bells for councils and police so keep a good thing on the down-low!
Recommended Wallet Damage: $50-$100
- Other Extras: These extras are less common but I've had them offered many times over my illustrious career as an erotic massage addict. For the rookies, here's what they involve;
1. Prostate Massage: A prostate massage is when a girl uses her (hopefully lubricated!) fingers to penetrate your anus and stroke/milk your prostate. It can seem a little uncomfortable at first but the orgasm's it can give can be fucking mind blowing.
2. Massage Swap: This is when the masseuse swaps spots with you and you get to massage her body. This is a real swap of power as she's at your mercy so many masseuses will only do it with clients they trust and for the love of god don't abuse that trust and start jamming fingers in any orifices! I love giving massages and I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'
3. Dining at the Y: Eating a chick out - Bon Appétit
Recommended Wallet Damage for these three: $20-$30
Now I know you've looked at the list and added up all those figures before yelling "Motherfucker I aint Walter White!" but fear not my tightass friends! It's rare that a masseuse will give you a big extensive menu and have you tick off what you'd like but rather she'll bundle them and say something like;
"Nude with bodyslide and handjob is $50"
"Nude with massage swap and blowjob is $100"
"Nude with a strap-on and a gimp will be $500"
So go with makes you comfortable and gets you off! Hopefully we've explained the maths behind how much an erotic massage costs.
Next update we'll break down the extras and go in a bit more depth on them.
A couple of shouts to some fellow porn addicts - Check out the awesome Mr Pinks Porn Blog which is filled with hot naked girls.
Also be sure to check out a genuine erotic masseuse by the name of <had to delete as guess she's traded handjobs for husbandry or some shit>, she can teach you the art of sensual massage.
Happy Endings.
Asking for massage extras and a happy ending. Extras! Extras! Read All About It!.
Welcome back my fellow erotic massage addicts. I trust that you've been following my sordid advice and have launched your own debaucherous quests to get your cock purged at your local erotic massage parlor.
Last update we examined the topic of the massage "flip-over" which is a true boner barometer and one of the most exciting parts of the (hopefully) erotic massage. One thing I forgot to mention is that not all massages will even have a flip-over. That's right boys, some deplorable masseuses will spend the entire time massaging your fucking back region and won't even give you the opportunity to flip over which leads to a chronic case of testicular trauma - feelsbadman.
We'll go ahead and pretend that you're masseuse isn't inhumane and she's flipped you over and she's either covered or not covered you're potent erection (see last update for towel protocol). Now we slide onto the delightful topic of "will massage extras be offered?"
An experienced erotic masseuse will continue the massage post flip-over as usual and after oiling up your legs, she'll smoothly run her hands up your thighs and deviate from touching your cock at the very last moment but not before lightly stroking your balls or the bottom of your shaft. She'll move her oily hands to your inner thighs and rub from bottom to top in short and sharp motions and slowly creep it up until your squirming around trying to get her to touch your engorged balls.
A true massage technician won't give in and will leave you hanging but give your balls enough attention that you're writhing in anticipation more than frustration. Some girls will even oil up your balls and rub away at them like they are shining up an apple, they'll of course say nothing and pretend this is standard massage procedure but if your balls are in a girls hands then it's a pretty fucking good chance that you'll be releasing a liquid sasquatch soon. You'll find the masseuse often raises your knees to the side like you're giving fucking birth as this allows her easy and "accidental" stroking of your balls and anus area which always feels awesome.
Next will be your stomach and chest area, the masseuse will position herself above your head and rub downwards, first stroking your manboobs before stopping just short of your basilisk. This also allows her to position her boobs directly over your head so every time she strokes downwards, not only are you squirming in anticipation but you're also getting an eyeful of her hopefully enormous boobs - love this shit! I generally let the girl dictate where the massage goes as the anticipation of not knowing where the session is leading is a key of the thrill of a visit to a massage parlor.
Some guys/customers may choose to give the girl instructions or pointers like moaning when she touches your balls or simply saying something like "that feels good" or "the dude abides" when she prods a sensitive zone but that's up to you boys, you can enjoy the ride or steer it in the direction you want.
Now that you're really and truly oiled, relaxed and aroused we come to the subject of "asking for massage extras and a happy ending". Following the last part of the standard massage, your masseuse will saunter to the side of your body and do one of three things;
Three things your masseuse will do at the end of an erotic massage
- She'll whisper something like "You want extras?", "You need a happy ending?" or "shaken, not stirred?" and often give your dick a little tap (like I'm retarded and I thought she was asking if I wanted my toenails clipped). I often respond with a laugh and say "that obvious huh?" or "I don't think I could walk out of here otherwise" but for all you nervous rookies, a stammering "Not like this" will suffice.
- The masseuse will look down at you with a goofy smile and say something like "everything ok? or "all finished - need anything?" which is an obvious invitation to ask her if she can spring-clean your balls. Don't be a fucking autist and tell her you'd like a glass of cordial or someshit please. I know some of you may be worried that she isn't asking for extras and does actually want to know if you'd like a glass of refreshing cordial so how can we tell?. Time - time is a big indicator, if there's 10-15 minutes left in the session then she's clearly angling for massage extras as otherwise she's halted the massage way to early and all us erotic massage vets will tilt the fuck out at the short session.
She's gotta leave a semi decent amount of time as some guys take an eternity to cum (or so pornhub tells me) and she can't leave too little and have the session run over time as the boss / mamasan will chew her out . Now I also know you're wondering "Why doesn't she just come out and ask me if I want to shoot a load" and there's a couple of reason here folks;
• Cops: In many countries like the USA, they've deemed paying a professional to jerk you off as illegal and a downright sin. Don't even get me started on this topic as it always makes me fucking rage. They always interview the neighbours of the massage parlors and a 100% of the time they reel off some bullshit like "we don't like the type of people that these establishments attract!".
WHAT TYPE OF FUCKING PEOPLE! - do they really think that the only people who opt for a happy ending at the end of their massage are murderers, rapists, child molesters and stormtroopers. Hate to break it to you folks but the guys launching loads in those cubicles are your neighbours, your teachers or your dads. So rather than make all this shit legal where they could better police it and stamp out human trafficking (as that's the number one reason/excuse that the cops use for busting a parlor or spa) they force it all underground and make getting jerked off a giant pain in the anus.
Police officers will routinely pose as customers and bust a girl if she propositions them for any massage extras so the girls are naturally wary and will wait for the customer to ask the question. Thankfully this isn't a problem in all countries but it must suck living in a place where asking for a handjob can result in you getting locked up and given an unhappy ending by your cellmate. I guess if you're like me and built like a 12 year old kid then the masseuse doesn't need to worry about your cop status! So all you chiselled and dashingly handsome types - sucks to be you officer blueballs!
• She's shy: Not every masseuse is a veteran that has swallowed more loads than one direction or goes home to read the handjob-handbook. She might be new on the job, she might be a backpacker doing this for some holiday money or she might just not be confident enough to say "I love the smell of sperm in the morning". I've been jerked off by plenty of shy girls who confided that they never ask and leave it upto the customer to ask for extras. New staff can be unsure if a client wants massage extras so rather than run the risk of offending some weirdo who stockpiles his sperm, she'll stay quiet until the client asks if a happy finale can be arranged. Just remember troops, if you ask and she says no, leave it at that and don't press the issue or pester her.
• You're a first time customer: Some girls make a habit of not offering massage extras to first time customers. This way they can see what vibe they get off the guy (or evaluate if he's a cop) and next session they'll hit you up for extras. They'll often make the actual session very arousing with plenty of teasing, stroking of your balls etc so you're hanging out for more and will finish the session with a tantalising "next massage" will be even better etc so they've got you on the hook. I once had a first time session where the girl was hot as fuck but besides the odd lingering touch, she offered no extras and I went home a bit perplexed as I had heard rumours that she was open to taking a load off. So I re-booked a week later and within 15 minutes we were in a 69 position and I was trying (failing) to hold off blowing a load in her mouth - where the fuck was that shit last week!?
• Extras aren't available: See point 3
- She'll clap her hands or ask you to sit up and say something boner destroying like "would you like a glass of water / tears?", "I'll wait for you outside" or "I'll leave you alone to furiously masturbate into the bin". This has happened to me plenty of times and just gotta roll with it and go home and jerk off in a gentlemanly fashion.
Watch the full video of 19 year old Thai girl Nanai getting a happy ending pussy massage
Next update we'll discuss what's on the massage extras menu and help you navigate all of the delicacies on offer.
I've decided to increase the font on the website - if it looks fucking trash then ping me an email and I'll revert it back to whatever peasant font I was rocking previously.
A quick shout-out to my boy Chris over @ The Erotixx blog - be sure to check it out as he has a tonne of pictures of nude chicks. Also check out FappyBird who has heaps of porn videos for your masturbation compulsions.
Happy Endings Boys!
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