Last update I guided you on what sort of questions you’ll get asked when you walk into an erotic massage den.
Before we get to the critical masseuse selection process, you need to cough up some money! You’ll nearly always pay for the massage up front unless you’re a regular customer. You’re just paying for the massage here, any extras you may procure are negotiated in the room and paid directly to the masseuse (in cash!). Generally a one hour standard oil / Thai / Swedish massage will set you back between $60-$80 but I wouldn’t be paying anything more than that. Here’s some tips on paying;
- Pay in Cash: Always pay for the massage in cash. Many places may not even accept cards and paying cash helps you out in a couple of areas. Firstly it shows that you do have cash on you, if you’re paying for the massage by card then it indicates you likely don’t have any cash on you. This sends a clear sign to the girl that you’re either not after extras or can’t afford them because if you did, you would have fucking paid in cash! This means the massage will unlikely to be erotic and you won’t get her best service as she knows she’s not getting a tip at the end. Secondly, some erotic massage addicts are married or in a relationship and the last thing you want is the wife/girlfriend/real-doll to find your credit card statement and see a charge for “Roxy’s Rub-n-Tug Therapy”. Pay cash you retard.
- Flash some cash in your wallet: I don’t mean you need to make it rain but it’s not a bad thing if the massage staff see some extra cash in your wallet after you’ve paid for the massage. If she’s giving the massage then she’ll know you’ve got some money for extras and if she’s not, there’s a good chance she’ll relay the information to the girl who will be shortly conjuring your precious duckbutter.
- Only bring in as much money as you are prepared to spend: Many massage girls have mastered the art of parting massage punters with there cash, they do this by expertly draining the blood from your brain and transferring it to the head of your penis. We are then helpless to there sordid sexual advances. I have worked an ingenious system of getting around this, I simply choose to leave the blood in my penis and never transfer it back to my brain! In all seriousness, my system is to only bring in enough cash to pay for what I’m comfortable with. This way I never leave thinking “great, looks like I’ll be eating mayonnaise sandwiches until payday“. You can always re-visit the place if there’s some budget-decapitating extras that you gotta sample.
We now need to get you into a room with the hottest massage girl on the roster as nobody likes getting rubbed down by the dreaded fat masseuse Debbie Diabeetus. If I spot any of the following traits or impairments then there’s a good chance I’m either walking out, objecting or cursing my fucking luck;
- The masseuse looks like she’s old enough to have experienced world war I, II or fucking both.
- She’s so fat that you catch an instant and deadly dose of Hamthrax from being in her gravitational pull.
- Gives off a strong moodiness/menstrual vibe.
- Chews gum – sorry this is a personal hate of mine. I find that any masseuse who chews gum at work is an annoying piece of shit like anyone who wears a Bluetooth earpiece.
- Her ugliness banishes any erection I hoped to have for the next 12.5 years.
- She’s got a dick.
Now that you’ve informed the staff that you’ve been there before and how long you’d like to get massaged for, they will likely assign you a masseuse in the following ways;
- If a staff member served you and she wasn’t the boss: Then there’s a good chance she will be giving you the massage. The fact she’s out front indicates she’s not with a client so she’s likely to get assigned the next client in – which is you.
What to do: This is a pretty good outcome as you’ve already interacted with your masseuse so I trust you’ve been checking out her curves, attitude and whether or not you’d have any objections to her being entitled to your leave loading (that joke sounded good in my head I swear). If the girl isn’t attractive or you’re not getting a good vibe then you can simple ask “Do you have any other girls available?“. Now this type of question is perfectly valid in an erotic massage parlor as we’re getting down and dirty with a girl but it’s a little more delicate if the massage parlor is strictly therapeutic. If it’s therapeutic then they are going to wonder (even ask) what a girls appearance has anything to do with her massage skills? so tread carefully here boys. My advice is not to ask this question unless your a 100% sure that extras are on offer at this particular establishment. If you’re unsure then bite that fucking pillow, take the assigned masseuse and jerk off to this website when you get home you pathetic bastard.
- If the boss/manager served you: You’ll be shown to your massage cubicle, given instructions on what to do and told to wait for your masseuse.
What to do: You’re likely stuck with whatever girl is assigned to you so hopefully it’s someone hot. It’s tough to ask to change girls when you’re already naked, on the massage table and you’re twisting around trying to see who’s about to pound on that flabby flesh of yours. The only time I would recommend declining the masseuse sent is if it’s a fucking dude. It’s happened to me before and fuck that shit – send that dude packing…ok…bad use of words.
- You’ve been here before and have previously sprayed loads or know that the place is a 100% erotic.
What to do: If you’ve visited before or know of other guys who have got an erotic massage here, you can ask for a girl by name or simply ask “Can I see who’s working today?. They know you’re here to get off and so choosing the right girl is good for both you and her as you’ll part with some penis-paste and she’ll part you with your cash. If there’s no girls to your liking then simply say “Maybe not today” or “Sorry I didn’t realise I had landed on the Island of Dr Moreau” and walk the fuck out. There’s plenty of hot massage girls around so don’t fucking settle please. I see countless reviews of massage parlors that have previously been badly rated with comments like;
“Avoid this place – I was jerked off by Mother Teresa’s dopplehanger”
“Girls were 70% troglodyte – worst $150 I have spent“
Don’t be one of these guys, if you have an opportunity to walk away from a swamp-beast then fucking do it please. There’s nothing worse then getting jerked off by someone who’s bragging to you that they used to smear feces on punji-traps to infect GI’s in the Vietnam War. Save your loads soldier!
Ok I’ve probably rambled enough so we’ll sign off here and next update we’ll discuss what to do when you’re in the cubicle and the sensual massage is about to begin – about fucking time right?
Wonderful day to have a pleasant massage session. Enjoy this glorious babe lying on a table and getting a professional massage. Suddenly, her masseur is getting horny and starting to kiss her. She gives him a smoking-hot blowjob after he licks her pussy. It all finishes up with a session of hard banging and a delicious creampie inside
