Apologies for the slowness of this update my fellow reprobates, some boorish real world shenanigans dragged me from our favorite topics of lubricative massages, whispered propositions and gelatinous finishes. Last blog update I ranted on massage parlors / spas and the topics of preferred method of payment, what questions may get asked by the boss and how you can avoid being stuck with a masseuse who’s obese, hideous or has a dick.
Now that you’ve navigated through that mundane massage protocol, you find yourself in a small massage cubicle and you’re wondering what the fuck do you do now. Here’s how things should proceed you manchild;
The masseuse (or boss) will show you into the room and give you instructions which is normally done in two ways, one of them potentially green-lights “Operation Ejaculation” and the other dooms you to “Mission Clogged-Balls”
Operation Ejaculation Briefing
Take off all of your clothes, lay down and the masseuse will be with you shortly”
This is a good start, being told to strip is your first step towards earning yourself at least a handjob. It’s not a given though, you could still have strolled into therapeutic territory as it’s very common for even a standard massage to require total nudity.
Mission Clogged-Balls Briefing
Take off your clothes but please leave your underwear on and lay down. Your sexual frustration will soon begin”
Things aren’t looking good soldier, that clunge claymore you’ve been desperate to deploy for the whole week is probably going to have to be disarmed by hand at home. If the masseuse had any intention of giving you a dishonorable discharge then she wouldn’t have put a fucking roadblock in front of your dick right? This has happened to me plenty of times and you just man the fuck up, enjoy the rub-down and awkwardly boner-shuffle the fuck out of the shop at the end.
The masseuse will then leave the room and you’ll have 5 or so minutes to get yourself ready for the massage. Before you start pulling on or off the gimp-mask, have a look around the room and you may notice some of the following;
- The massage table: Most massage parlors or spas will have a standard massage table with the hole at the top to plug that horny face of yours. A proper massage table is always my preference as it shows that the shop is giving a shit (or pretending to) about the actual massage and they are generally pretty comfortable. The table also allows for the best massage as the girl has easy access to all parts of your body as she can swap sides and can get long flowing strokes going from standing up. Having your face buried in that awkward hole is good and bad. Good because it cuts you off from everything that is going on and leaves you to focus on just the massage which calms you and heightens your senses. You have no real idea of what’s going on around you so every touch and sound is magnified which can make for a real erotic experience. I’m probably going to sound like a real fucking pussy here but for me, having your face/senses disconnected makes you feel very vulnerable and the girl has all the control, you just lay there and soak in the experience and hope she doesn’t anally violate you.
Two downsides to the table, the first is that your face often emerges from that little crevice looking bright fucking red. This makes it difficult to sneak in a sensual massage during lunch-time at work, it’s tough to explain why you’re returning from subway with a face redder than the head of a throbbing cock – blame it on the chilies I guess!. The second downside to the massage table is that if the massage parlor offers full service (sex) then smashing pissers with the girl is pretty awkward on a massage table. The last thing you want to do is topple off the table mid-thrust, dislocating your cock or ending up as a parlor paraplegic.
- The massage Bed: Some parlors and spas choose to go with a mattress on the floor rather than the conventional massage table. Personally I’m not a fan, the mattress makes for an awkward massage experience as you sink down which makes it difficult for the masseuse to maintain pressure. She’s forced to shuffle around you which moves your body and breaks that peaceful immersion. Your fat head is also facing the side or you’re smothering yourself to death into the mattress – not very relaxing. Many massage joints in Thailand seem to favor the mattress (probably due to cost) but I just don’t enjoy it as much as a standard table. The positives for the bed vs table is that any extras are much more enjoyable when you have the girl seated next to you on the mattress and any full service extras provided are simpler when you’re not performing advanced sexual acrobatics whilst balancing on a table. I believe that the massage is the core element of the whole experience and the table trumps the mattress every time.
- Generic Health Posters: Many erotic massage parlors cover the cubicle walls with pictures of the human body, pressure points of the feet, x-rays and other bullshit like that. It’s pretty hilarious as really all they need is a huge picture of a cock as that’s the only body-part that needs to be studied. I get why they do it, when that nosy cunt from the council turns up for an inspection – he see’s this poster and thinks “Well they wouldn’t have these type of posters up if anything untoward was happening here – they’d just have a huge picture of a cock?“. The most hilarious moment for me was when my cubicle actually had a fucking fake skeleton in the corner of the room and when the girl asked me if I wanted hand relief, I pointed to the skeleton and said “Can he jerk me off?” He didn’t and the achievement remains unlocked 🙁
- A Clock: Sounds pretty ordinary but something as simple as a clock causes the most disagreements, arguments and rushed/unfinished handjobs than anything else (besides money) in the realm of erotic massage. The session is timed of course and it’s up to the masseuse to make sure that within this time, you are rubbed, kneaded, stretched, oiled, flipped over, propositioned, jerked off, wiped clean and changed during that booked time period. Many guys get pissed when they think that the girl has short-changed them on time and this can often lead to arguments. When the massage clock starts ticking is up for debate, is it when you hand over your money, when you lay down or when the girl first puts her hands on you? In reality the time between all of those events is minimal so there’s no point in crying over that minuscule amount of time.
So the massage starts and you’re entitled to a ballpark 55-60 minute session but you’ve gotta keep in mind that if you’re a first time client, the masseuse has no idea if you’re wanting extras or what extras may tickle your toad. This means she has to allow a period of time at the end of the session to commence hand to gland combat and not all guys are going to want the same extras. A nude bodyslide request is going to take longer than the guy who just wants his witness badgered. Ejaculation control is another issue, some clients may cum the moment the masseuse even glances at there dick whereas others may be the Benjamin Button of getting off.
Most guys are done with the massage the moment that the kraken is released as it’s plain awkward continuing the rubdown with your cock burping up slimy protests. So I can see how clients can sometimes get short-changed BUT if you exit the massage and realise that there’s virtually still nearly a full shot-clock (20+) worth of minutes then you have reason to raise hell. My advice is to look at the clock when you walk in and if you see there’s time left at the end you can either bail, ask her to give you a head-rub or blacklist the parlor for being despicable time whores.
- The cubicle walls: Always take note of the cubicle walls, are they thick, do the walls extend all the way to the roof and could you break them down if the masseuse turns out to be a tranny. These things are important as sound carries in the cubicles and thin walls with ceilings that don’t reach the roof, often mean you can hear what’s going on in the cubicle next to you. This can be risky if the parlor is erotic but posing as a therapeutic spa, if the church-going lady in the cubicle next door hears your masseuse furiously double clicking your mouse then she may run to the council and get the place shut down. So keep shit on the down low and don’t screech when you blow your fucking loads. I gotta admit, I sometime look at the walls that don’t reach the roof and ponder “If I saved up my loads for a year, could I get them over that wall and onto the face of the guy next door…ok ok, I know that makes me a sicko but does it make me gay? As the revered convict Red once stated “These walls are kind of funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them”
- The warning sign to degenerates / me: This is always my favorite part of a massage cubicle. Many of them have a poster stuck to the door or wall which states some universal warning of
“This massage is strictly for relaxation and is of a therapeutic nature. Our massages are not intended for sexual gratification and any clients asking for sexual favors will be asked to leave. Please respect our staff and rules“
This is to put the innocent clients minds at ease that this chaste massage is virtuous and not a single drop of manjam has been spilled in a massage session here. I would love to yell “Our massages are not intended for sexual gratification!!!” as I bust a nut and then tell the masseuse that I couldn’t possibly pay for the handjob as that would disrespect her.
- Oils and shit: The corner of the room will have some type of shelf or cupboard that has all the generic massage shit like oils, towels, tissues etc. Nothing much to see here but a big box of tissues is a good sign as your masseuse has to mop up your pitiful loads somehow. Some girls may ask you if you want to use scented oils or even tiger balm for sore muscles. Some guys may not want anyone to know that they are getting a massage as they could be married, in a relationship or be a magic the gathering player. These poor bastards have to tread carefully as coming home smelling like you rolled around in lavender for the last hour may raise some questions when you told the wife “just taking some rubbish to the tip my cherub!”
That should wrap it up for today as I’ve rambled way to much as usual, Next update we’ll discuss the moment that the masseuse puts her greasy paws on you and what erotic adventures await.
Before I disappear, I’d like to give some shout-outs to some friends of this blog, please show them some love and check out there sites.
First off we have the best damn porn blog on the internet – EPornBlog – props to this guy for not treating me like the Internets urinal puck for all the dumbass questions I ask him.
A top Aussie porn connoisseur by the name of Orsm who’s been ejaculating quality porn posts longer than I can remember.
Mr Pink has a tremendous porn blog with some of the hottest girls. Hours of masturbation material here folks.