So you’re on the hunt for an erotic massage spa or parlor near you and your wallet / penis is terrified that you’ll fuck things up like normal and stumble into a therapeutic massage and waste both your money and your erection.
So you’re asking “Where do I find a massage near me that’s going to both relax those muscles and relieve those throbbing balls??”
Well thankfully for you boys, I’ve compiled a list on exactly that sordid subject, so without further ado;
Top 10 ways to find an erotic massage near me
- Any massage parlor open after say 9-10pm is bound to be packing a juicy assortment of extras, nobody virtuous goes looking for a therapeutic back rub at 1am on a Tuesday!
- The advert for the shop states things like “Young girls”, “Head to Toe Massage”,” Sensual”, “New girls every week”, “Happy massage” or “Take a load off”
- There’s posters / photographs of hot girls in various states of undress. Why would anyone looking for a therapeutic massage care how the masseuse looks in a gimp mask?
- Odd/distant Location – If the massage shop is smack in the middle of an industrial area there’s a good chance they’ll have buckets of extras as they’re often driven out of the ‘burbs by nosy fuckers with erection problems and church groups who believe that administering a handjob = holiday in Hades.
- If the staff are wearing/displaying any of the following then the massage is probably going to be sensual variety – miniskirt, high-heels, tight-dress, side-boob, lingerie, snorkel.
- It’s packing Neon signs with words like “massage”, “bodyrub” or “fellatio barn project”. There’s just something seedy/appealing about a flashing neon signs, they know degenerates like us can’t resist the lure of a good neon sign. I’m drawn to them like trolls to Reddit.
- Your happy-ending senses start tingling. It’s uncanny, often I’ll just look at a place and I’ll know instantly if it’s an erotic massage parlor or spa or whether it’s strictly legit. Sadly “skilled in handjob hunches” isn’t really something you can pop on the ol’ resume.
- The dodgier looking the place the better your chances of a happy ending, if I ever see a unsanitary lookin’ mattress on a floor I always think I’m odds on for a handjob (or lice).
- Check out the customers. If it’s all apprehensive looking men then you’ve probably hit the jackpot. A nervous man walking out of a massage place is the sign of a man with freshly emptied babysacks. I love when I see guys about to walk into a massage joint which I know is a 100% erotic and they start twisting/stretching there arms like they’re a little sore and are just there to get some knots rubbed out…we know where the knot is bro!
- The massage slogan “Oriental” or “Asian” massage is always a good shot at some hot extras but are not to be confused with “Thai Massage” which always results in something in me dislocating.
So hopefully that’s answered your question on where to find a massage near me. If you have any parlor or spa questions then you can email me – wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com
