Apologies for the slowness of this update my fellow reprobates, some boorish real world shenanigans dragged me from our favorite topics of lubricative massages, whispered propositions and gelatinous finishes. Last blog update I ranted on massage parlors / spas and the topics of preferred method of payment, what questions may get asked by the boss and how you can avoid being stuck with a masseuse who's obese, hideous or has a dick.
Now that you've navigated through that mundane massage protocol, you find yourself in a small massage cubicle and you're wondering what the fuck do you do now. Here's how things should proceed you manchild;
The masseuse (or boss) will show you into the room and give you instructions which is normally done in two ways, one of them potentially green-lights "Operation Ejaculation" and the other dooms you to "Mission Clogged-Balls"
Operation Ejaculation Briefing
Take off all of your clothes, lay down and the masseuse will be with you shortly"
This is a good start, being told to strip is your first step towards earning yourself at least a handjob. It's not a given though, you could still have strolled into therapeutic territory as it's very common for even a standard massage to require total nudity.
Mission Clogged-Balls Briefing
Take off your clothes but please leave your underwear on and lay down. Your sexual frustration will soon begin"
Things aren't looking good soldier, that clunge claymore you've been desperate to deploy for the whole week is probably going to have to be disarmed by hand at home. If the masseuse had any intention of giving you a dishonorable discharge then she wouldn't have put a fucking roadblock in front of your dick right? This has happened to me plenty of times and you just man the fuck up, enjoy the rub-down and awkwardly boner-shuffle the fuck out of the shop at the end.
The masseuse will then leave the room and you'll have 5 or so minutes to get yourself ready for the massage. Before you start pulling on or off the gimp-mask, have a look around the room and you may notice some of the following;
Last update I guided you on what sort of questions you'll get asked when you walk into an erotic massage den.
Before we get to the critical masseuse selection process, you need to cough up some money! You'll nearly always pay for the massage up front unless you're a regular customer. You're just paying for the massage here, any extras you may procure are negotiated in the room and paid directly to the masseuse (in cash!). Generally a one hour standard oil / Thai / Swedish massage will set you back between $60-$80 but I wouldn't be paying anything more than that. Here's some tips on paying;
We now need to get you into a room with the hottest massage girl on the roster as nobody likes getting rubbed down by the dreaded fat masseuse Debbie Diabeetus. If I spot any of the following traits or impairments then there's a good chance I'm either walking out, objecting or cursing my fucking luck;