<Insert shabby yet well-rehearsed excuse for gaps between erotic massage guide updates here>

Regular readers/retrogrades will know my updates are routinely late and my blogs pretty much the menstruation cycle of the internet - monthly, grouchy and if you've missed it then there's a good chance some demon is growing inside of you (you've been warned folks!). Last update we got deep into the happy ending territory of your erotic massage and we scrutinised how much cash you should be coughing up to have your masseuse burp that oily dick of yours. The masseuse has just purred my favourite fucking sentence into your ear;

Would you like a happy ending or extras?"

 

  

I pray for your cocks sake that you've stammered

Yes ma'am"

and not

If you let my cock go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

So we'll pretend for my sanity's sake that you've gulped an affirmative to the happy ending and she's hit you up with the delightful menu of extras and you've chosen what your cock desires and what your budget allows.

So what now you plead?

 

  

Well my pupils, here's a happy ending handbook that will give you some guidance on paying for those much desired massage extras

ω Haggle: Feel free to haggle over the price on the happy ending menus as nothing is set in semen, only you know how much it's worth to have your glorious seed flying across the massage cubicle (or sadly drooling on your stomach after a penguin like takeoff). Obviously the erotic masseuse has a price in mind as well and she's fully aware that any price that's set now will dictate future happy ending negotiations. My tip is to find a a happy medium as you wanna get off but you want her to be financially invested as trust me her enthusiasm levels won't be top notch after you've promised to pay her in loose change and your Bobs BBQ "frequent fryer" discount card.

Keep in mind that if you are a first timer at this particular parlor then you have no idea as to how impressive / depressing the happy ending is going to be. That mind-blowing handjob could be the equivalent of Jack Burton fucking Lo Pan's shit up or the blistering mailed-in equivalent of anything Edward Norton has excreted post 2002 (in his honour we should name any shitty handjob an "Italian Job"). So go somewhere in the middle as that way you can reward the girl in the future if she ups her extras game and you haven't blown all your beer money if she turns out to be a flop. My experience is that most parlor girls will go the extra mile on that first session as they are competing for your business with other girls at the parlor and they are hoping to rope you in for future bookings. Whereas private girls (chicks who massage from home) often improve over time as they'll up the service after they are comfortable and know you're a good client and not a sleaze (like me).

  

ω Pay now or pay later?: This is entirely up to the girl and 90% of the time you will pay AFTER you've launched a load but I've been asked from time to time to pay prior to the finish? Why the fuck would I pay first you ask? It's all because some slimy customer has ripped off a girl in the past and now she's wary of getting stiffed on her payment after the session. It's pretty crummy but I've heard a number of stories from girls where clients pull some of the following shady acts;

• Solid Snake: The slippery customer stealths out of the cubicle and out the front door without paying for the extras. He probably assumes it's unlikely that the girls going to chase him into a public place and start yelling about blowjob compensation. This is a pretty sure fire way to get yourself blacklisted or your ass beat.

• Phantom Menace: The customer peers into his wallet and feigns a look of surprise that there's no money in there and promises "Sorry it turns out I'm a fucking retard and don't actually have any cash. Let me race down to an ATM and I'll be right back with the money!" - never to be seen again.

• Mr Pink: This customer just flat out refuses to pay or tip. He'll mutter something about shitty service and then stand firm and refuse to pay. He knows the girl doesn't have any legal options as she can't really call the police and inform them that she's just taken a salty load to the tonsils and the customer won't pay. 

Don't be one of these fucking guys ok! It ruins it for the rest of us as nothing fucking sucks more than laying on that massage bed, all ready for a greasy handjob, sloppy blowjob or the girl to fulfil your prison fantasy with a strap-on and she stops everything and asks for cash. You've then gotta clamber off the bed, sift through your jeans to find your elusive wallet which you them clumsily drop and photo's of your wife spill out along with huge wads of cash (despite telling her you could only cough up $30) and you end up looking foolish all because some prick couldn't fucking post-pay!.

  

ω Pay cash: I've harped on about this a number of times I know but let's go over it one more time chaps. You can pay for the actual massage on card but you always pay for the happy ending with cold hard cash. There's a number of reasons for this like;

• The boss may not know the masseuse is blowing customers for extra cash so when you pay on card for that jizz and tonic, the masseuse has to ask the boss to transfer her that money and alarm bells will be raised when a customer is tipping $50 for a bog standard massage.

• You don't want charges showing up on your credit card records from places like "Ruby's Rub-n-Tug Ranch".

• No chick wants to pay tax on a fucking handjob bro.

That's for this update, hopefully you've worked out "paying for massage extras", next update we'll delve into each extra on the menu starting with the underappreciated "Handjob".

Happy Ending Boys.

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