This massage pressure update is once again being ejaculated later than intended but I do have an excuse besides being a slothful fuck. The ol’ hard-drive in my computer started making a ticking noise and we all know that is the equivalent of attempting to squeeze out a subtle fart in a public place and hearing the unmistakable gurgling sounds of a turd evacuating your anus – ye fucked laddie. Thankfully it wasn’t my boot drive (SSD Master-Race over here) but I lost an ungodly amount of porn so I think we should share a moments silence for the demise of my revered masturbationary stash.
Thankfully I’m about to populate this post with a shit-tonne of nudity but first I have to remember where we were in our saintly quest for a happy ending. Ahhh, yes, last update I outlined what oddities, contraptions and sexual speed-traps you may discover in an erotic massage parlors cubicles. Now that we’ve got that fluff out of the way and you’ve been given instructions to strip by the masseuse and gotten your bearings, you’ll need to follow this guide on being on the receiving end of an erotic massage;
- Strip the fuck off: As we mentioned in the previous update, take off EVERYTHING unless you were instructed to leave your underwear on. Most parlors will have either some hangers or a crate to hang/store your clothes. Be sure to use these, nothing would kill the happy ending more than the masseuse glancing up and spotting your skid-stained jocks hanging from the ceiling fan like a trophy of virginity. Keep your wallet / watch / diamond encrusted cock-ring in a safe spot where they won’t be easily pilfered, I’ve never had an theft issue in a parlor but it’s smart to keep valuables tucked away.
- Turn off your mobile phone: Nobody wants to be drifting into a blissful, massage induced, zen-like state only to be torn out by your phones “who let the dogs out” retarded ring-tone blaring!
- Spread ’em: Clamber up onto the massage bed and lay face down with your face plugged into that annoying hole in the table. Every massage starts with you on your stomach so please don’t try and innovate by facing up as it’ll probably just freak the masseuse out. You want to have your arms at your side with your palms facing up or alternatively you can rest your arms at the top of the table. Spread your legs wide apart so the masseuse has easy access to your floppy drive.
Your legs should be as wide apart as possible without falling off the side of the table. This sends a clear message to the masseuse that you’re not shy and are probably up for some extras. If you’ve lucked out and the massage is of the therapeutic variety then there’s no harm done as the masseuse has seen plenty of naked dudes and she’ll just cover you with a towel and try not to smirk at your micro-penis. Speaking of our trusty penis, you want to position him so he gets the maximum amount of enjoyment from the erotic massage. You achieve this by positioning your cock so it’s pointing down towards your legs. This way, when the massage turns sensual, the masseuse has a convenient way to stroke your cyclops. This is much better than your dick being awkwardly trapped under your stomach as the girl strokes your balls. Once again, if the girl walks in and you’re laying there with your legs spread and your dick clearly visible, it pretty much screams “I’m here to launch loads” and “I’m not a cop”.
You’re now just going to relax and wait for the masseuse to enter the room. When she does she’ll likely ask you the following question;
Do you want a soft, medium or hard massage?”
This is purely personal preference but I tend to rep the hard-clan, here’s a basic run-down of our three massage pressure options;
- Soft Massage Pressure: You’re pretty much admitted to being a pussy here but each to there own!. The masseuse will give you a light / feathery massage but won’t apply much pressure in case she bruises that dainty flesh of yours. A soft massage pressure personally drive me nuts, they don’t press deep enough to relieve any muscle soreness and don’t provide that full body relaxed feeling that follows a good massage. Full Muay Thai rules (knees and elbows) are definitely off limits here and the masseuse will likely just use her hands. This massage is good if you’re really just chasing extras, you suffer from Hemophilia or you have a mangina.
- Medium Massage Pressure: The masseuse will make sure your muscles are kneaded and prodded but she likely won’t use knees, elbows or a jack-hammer. This is the most commonly requested pressure and a good starting point if you’re new to massage. Your sore muscles will get some nice relief and you’ll feel much better the next day, you can always tell her to tone it down if she’s bruising your neck meat. I generally request medium if it’s my first time with a masseuse. if she’s shitty at massage then you don’t want her putting in a 100% effort as you’ll probably be more sore than relaxed the next day and that shit aint ideal.
- Hard Massage Pressure: You’re masseuse is going to knee you, elbow you, possibly walk on you and do everything in her power to ensure that all those muscles and knots are worked over. Nothing beats a good hard massage as the next day you feel fantastic and it’s not just because you blew a load in the girls mouth after the massage (tho that does help!). The one downside to requesting a hard massage is that it may make the girl question “Is this guy here to just get a hard/sports massage or does he want to see my gaza-strip?” so hopefully the girl understands that a guy can enjoy a good quality massage pressure whilst also wanting to get his balls uncorked. If the massage is hurting or the pressures too much then speak the fuck up and tell the girl “that’s a little too hard sorry” or “You’re bruising me, I said firm not Rihanna”.
A massage is very much like a steak and it’s totally up to the individual, stick with the medium if you’re new or haven’t seen the girl before, hard (rare) if you have any muscle definition at all and soft (well done) if you’re a wimp.
That’s all for today ladies, I know this update was snack sized but we’re closing in on the actual erotic massage and what type of extras will be offered so until then…