Top 10 signs it's an erotic massage parlor

You’re home alone, you’re horny as fuck and sick to death of swiping Tinder profiles of hambeasts, trannies and that creepy principal from school with the dermatitis-afflicted lips. Sure, you could launch into a vicious porn-hub inspired wank session or bust out the tainted fleshlight but we all know the hollow feeling of failure the moment that you bust that sad nut.

As the renowned historian Hans Gruber once stated;

“You miss a 100% of the nuts you don’t bust“

I’m not sure what he meant by that but when in doubt – trust the Gruber folks.

Listen up dicklips, pick yourself up, climb out of the Sarlacc pit and hunt down an erotic massage palour.

“But how do I find one Wallace? – take me to the promised land!“

Locating an authentic erotic massage parlour can actually be tricky when you’re new to the game as there’s two places that look like they’d offer sensual massage but don’t;

The Therapeutic Massage: Words like “remedial”, “shiatsu”, “exotic botanicals“, “hot stone” and the dreaded “non sexual” strike fear into the groins of seasoned erotic massage stalkers. These therapeutic haunts entice with the offer of massage but linger there too long and you’ll face the horrored (that’s not even a word but it’s my blog and I don’t give a fuck ppl!) affliction “blue-ballus” and will be forced to perform that awkward post-massage walk where you’re trying (failing) to cover up an erection that I call “The Boner Shuffle”. Don’t get me wrong, these places are great if you want a relaxing rub-down but we’ve got balls to empty – assholes and elbows people!
The Brothel: Plenty of brothels masquerade as an erotic massage parlor but 90% of the time the massages are lazy, half-assed and sometimes crippling bad. Sure, you do get to fuck a chick but we’re here for the massage experience and we aint going to find it laying on top of a girl who gave you a rub-down with the enthusiasm of a real-doll.

Many erotic massage parlous will market themselves as therapeutic massage to circumvent prostitution laws or to grab the non erotic clientele as well (I’ve been jerked off before as a house-wife in the cubicle next door has been chatting about the latest Downton Abby episode!) so you gotta look past the surface.

Here’s a rough guide to picking the difference between a therapeutic massage practitioner and an erotic one (Please note that most of my reference and experience is dabbling in the US/Australia/Asia so what applies here might be vastly different from other parts of the world so if you get your genitals chopped off for following my advice in Saudi Arabia then…well…start a eunuch blog I guess!)

So here we go –

Top 10 signs it’s an erotic massage parlor

Any massage parlor open after say 9pm is bound to be packing an assortment of extras, nobody virtuous goes looking for a therapeutic back rub at 1am on a Tuesday!
It’s packing Neon signs with words like “massage”, “bodyrub” or “fellatio barn”. There’s just something seedy/appealing about a flashing neon signs, they know degenerates like us can’t resist the lure of a good neon sign.
Odd/distant Location – If the massage shop is smack in the middle of an industrial area there’s a good chance they’ll have buckets of extras as they’re often driven out of the ‘burbs by nosy fuckers with erection problems and church groups who believe a that administering a handjob = holiday in Hades.
If the masseuse is wearing/displaying any of the following then it’s probably going to be sensual – miniskirt, high-heels, tight-dress, side-boob, lingerie, snorkel.
The seedier/ramshackle the place the better your chances of a happy ending, if I ever see a scummy mattress on a floor I always think I’m odds on for a handjob (or lice).
Check out the customers. If it’s all nervous looking men then you’ve probably hit the jackpot. A nervous man walking out of a massage place is the sign of a man with freshly emptied babysacks. I love when I see guys about to walk into a massage joint which I know is a 100% erotic and they start twisting/stretching there arms like they’re a little sore and are just there to get some knots rubbed out…we know where the knot is bro!
The masseuse doesn’t leave the room whilst you get unchanged. This rarely happens and when it does, it’s always awkward as fuck. Kinda retarded to feel awkward I know, she’s about to see me naked and will soon be milking my man-jam but there’s a system people – WHEN THE MACHINE BREAKS DOWN, WE BREAK DOWN.
The massage slogan “Oriental” or “Asian” massage is always a good erotic shot but are not to be confused with “Thai Massage” which always results in something in me dislocating.
The massage room has items like vaseline, lubricant, dog-collars or a box of tissues so big that you could wipe up one of Thor’s loads.
The Masseuse walks in and takes off her clothes. If I gotta explain this one then you belong in that Sarlacc pit son.

So there you go, you’ve hopefully established if the massage shop is of the erotic variety. Next update we’ll discuss “Improving your chances of a happy ending”

As always, hope you enjoyed the massage-inspired rant. Leave a comment or send me an email at Wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com

Below we have the delicious Alina Li giving some lucky dude the most sensual massage of his life.