Last update we discussed the signs that may alert you to the presence of an erotic massage palor and I’m hoping you took my degenerate advice and put yourself in a position to get yourself a happy ending.
Now that you’ve found yourself an erotic massage parlor, extras and potentially full service (sex!) are only a stroke away right?
After all, the famous nuclear physicist Pete Sampras once pondered;
Forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand – deuce
I know you’re thinking “But if it’s an erotic massage parlour dickcheese, then loads MUST be unleashed?“
Very few erotic massage parlors are actually registered as one…why?
- Too much bullshit red-tape. No parlor owners wants to wade through piles of paperwork just so some horny punter can blow his pitiful loads in a massage room. They also have to worry about health checks for the staff and who can be fucked getting blood tested or supplying a stool sample to some nosy fucker from the local council.
- They’d miss out on the clientele that are looking for a straight massage. You’d be shocked that there are sick and twisted individuals out there that actually want a straight massage without a happy ending – despicable right?
- Many clients would be scared off by walking into a place called “Hannah’s Handjob Emporium” or “Caitlin’s Cum Dumpster” as your life is pretty much fucking over if the wife or your boss see’s you scuttling out of those type of joints. If you’re strolling out of a place called “Aroma Thai Massage” then it’s much easier to pass that epic blowjob off as a “Got a crick in my neck honey!“
- Local laws often stipulate that an erotic massage parlor can’t be in residential areas so clients are forced to drive to dodgy industrial areas where the happy ending could be a carjacking.
Thanks to these petty fucking local laws and nosy-ass city councils, most erotic massage parlors are masquerading as therapeutic massage shops to circumvent the retarded prostitution laws. For a guy just looking to get his manjam emptied this is very fucking annoying! Due to this, it’s not always a given that extras will be offered at a massage parlor. This is especially true if you’re a first time customer or look anything like a police officer (thankfully I have the muscle definition of a 12yo boy so I’m never troubled by that!)
If you’ve visited the massage parlor before and received a happy ending then it’s a near certainty you’ll be offered one again. You always run the risk of getting a different masseuse though and some may offer alternative extras or none at all *sobs*.
You could ask the massage receptionist if extras are on offer but most staff aren’t going to say yes as other legit customers may overhear. Staff realise that it’s much more profitable for them to ask you for extras in the privacy of a massage cubicle where you’re a slave to your throbbing erection. I tend to take my chances, personally most of the thrill of an erotic massage is not knowing if extras are going to be offered. You do run the risk of blue-balls and a hit to the wallet but it’s all part of the experience son.
So you’ve been led to your massage cubicle and the girl has told you to strip off your clothes, lie down and she’ll be back soon. How can you improve your chances of discharging a load?
Here we go;
• Get Naked Yo! – Now I don’t mean as soon as you walk into the place, that’s likely to get you thrown into prison where you’ll just get massaged by a convict called Cornbread…internally. Once you’re in the massage room, remove ALL your clothes, don’t leave your underwear on as it just complicates things. You’re here to launch fabulous loads and rocking a pair of fucking underpants is just a roadblock to those creamy aspirations. If the masseuse tells you to leave them on then of course you follow her direction, as that’s already a clear sign that you lucked the fuck out and are in a therapeutic massage – RIP you poor blue-balled bastard!
• Make the masseuse feel comfortable – Try chatting with your masseuse and make her feel at ease rather than lying there like a fleshy corpse. You’re generally in that room for at least an hour so strike up a conversation as she’s probably bored out of her fucking mind. If you develop a connection then she might be more accommodating with extras at the end of the massage session. Don’t take it too far though, you’re here to relax and (hopefully) get jerked off and the masseuse or other clients may not enjoy hearing your tales about that smelly rash you recently discovered on your testicles or the time you mistook a shit for a fart at that job interview. The key is make her feel comfortable not expose her to your full spectrum of autism.
• Have an erection! – This does NOT mean “turn up to the massage shop sporting an erection” as it’s going to be super awkward asking for a massage with tented fucking pants. What I mean is, If the girl is unsure if you’re wanting a happy ending then having a raging erection when you flip over is a good indicator that your perfectly fine with her rubbing out a guilt-shake.
• Make appropriate sounds – When the masseuse strokes or touches something you like then let her know with an “Ohhhh” , “NomNomNomNom” or an “Aiyo” or simply tell her that feels fucking great. Don’t go overboard you animal and start roaring, sobbing or moaning as sound always carries in those cubicles and trust me, it’s awkward as fuck when you know the sleazy bastard next door is getting the truffle shuffle because he’s making weird sounds like a fucking dialup modem.
• Ask her! – If all else fails and the massage session is winding up and a happy ending hasn’t reared it’s goopy head then simply ask her if she offers any extras or happy endings. It’s likely it isn’t the first time she has been propositioned so she hopefully won’t be offended. If she says no then instantly drop it and chalk it up as a good massage and resign yourself to a furious masturbation session when you get home!
• Don’t smell and look like roadkill – I should have put this one higher but better late then never you pungent bastards. No massage girl wants to lay her hands on a dude that smells like bigfoots dick. Shower before you arrive, slap on some trusty “BlueBeards Delight” cologne and wear some decent clothes. I’m not asking you to wear a tuxedo but dress appropriately so the girl doesn’t feel like she needs to don a hazmat suit before jerking out your demon seed.
That’s all for today gimps, next update we’ll discuss “signs that massage extras are likely to be offered”
As always, hope you enjoyed the massage-inspired rant. Leave a comment or send me an email at Wallace @ eroticmassageblog.com
Arousing babe is coming for a session of erotic massage. She knows exactly what’s going to happen, so seeing a handsome masseur just in his underwear only spices the things up. He starts touching her body all over, massaging her ass, placing his dick on her lips and fingering her pussy. Later on he continues with fantastic deep penetrations and cums on her stunning ass.